


as I lay living

by firstdeadloser



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash Lynx and Okumura Eiji go to Japan, Fix-It, Gay as hell, Happy Ending, M/M, One Big Happy Family, Post-Canon Banana Fish, Post-Canon Fix-It, banana fish - Freeform, help I want to die, set in the eighties
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 04:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17297486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firstdeadloser/pseuds/firstdeadloser
Summary: Three years ago, Ash Lynx is stabbed. Three years later, Ash Lynx decides to follow the love of his life, Eiji Okumura, into the midst of Japan.





	1. Chapter 1

Ash sits on the grassy fields, hearing cicadas call and insects buzz around him in the humid heats of Japan. He’s shaded by a tree, and is provided little protection from the sun other than the deep, forest green leaves. 

Ahead of him, Eiji is dressed in sportswear, and there’s a towering metal structure, set on bright, thick blue mats that padded the rough dirt of the track. In Eiji’s hand, there’s a pole. It’s long. He stares at it, turning it awkwardly in his hand. It was as though he were meeting a former foe, who was now an ally. As though it were an awful friend, an awful mother, an awful father who he had reconciled with just recently. The pole, who Eiji had such fear confronting, was now face to face with it once again. 

Ash feels his heart squeeze with pity as he stares at it in discomfort. He had already succumbed and given all he had to the terror of his injury; why was it still holding him back now? Ash wonders why it couldn’t… let him go. 

“Eiji!” Ash cheers, a sharp whistle following shortly after. Eiji breaks from his entrancement, looking up at Ash with wide eyes. He smiles, blushes, and looks away. Ash leans into his knees, smiling affectionately at the expression on Eiji’s face. 

Ash watches in anticipation as Eiji readies the pole multiple times, chalks his hands, fixes his clothes; but he never jumps. It goes on for what feels like forever, but Ash’s patience wears thin. He heaves himself to his feet, walking out of the comfortable shade into the blistering Japanese sun. 

“Honey, jump for me!” Ash calls as he walks down. Eiji looks up again, startled and red in the face. 

“Ash! Don’t call me things when I trying to focus!” Eiji complains, but Ash grins. He stops midway, putting his hands on his hips. 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart!” He replies teasingly, “I just wanna see my baby be free!” Ash says, almost dramatically, and keeps on walking. 

“You will see me freed,” Eiji assures, grinning smugly. Ash stops in front of his lover, and Eiji’s smug look falls into a more defeated look, gaze heightening to stare at the pole, looming above them. “But maybe not today.”

“Don’t feel down, darling,” Ash sighs, pressing a kiss to Eiji’s cheek. “The day’s not over yet. You have lots of time to try, okay?”

“Maybe you right,” Eiji sighs, but he sounds upset. Ash wants to do something to make him feel better, to give him a little nudge forward, but he’s not quite sure how. Then, Eiji smiles. “When you get so sweet, little brother?”

“I don’t think I’ve gotten any sweeter,” Ash grins, cheeky. He wraps his arms around Eiji’s waist, “But you know I treat you the best.”

“Sure,” Eiji snorts, and he presses his free hand to Ash’s cheek. For a brief moment, they kiss, and it’s as amazing as every time they kiss. Warm, beautiful, and kind. Every kiss Ash got from Eiji, no matter how fast, no matter where it was, made Ash feel like fireworks were going off inside of him.

“Ash, remember what I tell you? Only Japanese! You need to learn!” Eiji brings up scoldingly once their lips pull away. “Mmhm,” Ash hums distractedly, pressing a fast kiss to Eiji’s lips again. In awfully broken Japanese, Ash asks, “Mot kis?” 

More kisses? 

Eiji laughs, “ _Motto kisu_ ,” He corrects, and Ash visibly thinks it over. “Close enough. Does it get me another kiss?”

“Mohitotsu,” 

One more, Eiji agrees, and it makes Ash’s heart flutter. They kiss again, and to Ash’s dismay, it’s much longer than the other two. Before Ash can truly indulge, before letting Eiji’s soft tongue slip in and before letting his own fingers slip under Eiji’s top, he breaks the kiss. “I’m actually getting pretty good at Japanese, you know. I can talk to the therapist and the nurses and everything. I just like to tease you,” Ash says cheekily, which earns him a pout from Eiji. “Now I have one thing I need you to do for me,” Ash says, squeezing Eiji’s waist. “Janpu? Can you face your fears and jump for me?”

Eiji’s eyes widen. He blinks, stares at the pole in a loose hold, stares at Ash’s face. Nervously, he replies, “I try?”

“You do,” Ash corrects, kissing Eiji’s forehead. “I’ll be right here with you the whole time, okay? Kowagaranaide kudasai.”

“Best Japanese! Good words, Ash!” Eiji cries, brightening tremendously. Ash laughs at the sudden moodswing, but he’s glad it seems to have made Eiji happier. “Thanks. Took forever to get down. Now, will you try launching yourself twenty feet into the air with a pole?” 

“You make it sound scary,” Eiji smiles, “But it’s not that bad. I am just calming down.”

“I know you are,” Ash says, “But I wanna see you vault the same way you did in America. With me and Skip, remember? You really flew.”

“I remember,” Eiji agrees, and there’s a sudden sadness that glazes his eyes. Ash wonders if his face has changed too- he certainly feels a pang at the mention of his lost friend. 

“Excuse me,” Eiji apologizes, wriggling in Ash’s grip. Ash lets him go, “I better see a jump, Okumura!” He yells as he steps back. 

“You will, _Okumura!_ ” Eiji calls back teasingly. Ash is about to say something when- wait. Okumura? Ash’s last name was Lynx. Callenreese. Not… 

Ash’s cheeks go a shiny shade of red. “You’re gonna be the Callenreese here, Eiji!” 

“Maybe,” Eiji replies thoughtfully. He looks over his shoulder, a playful expression on his face. “But I do not think that.”

Ash smiles, and he shakes his head. He takes a seat on the grass, and watches as Eiji repeats his previous nerve-calming routine. He chalks his hands, stretches his arms, rubs the pole and gets in position. Ash sits back, feeling nothing other than pride for his lover. 

Then, Eiji starts _running._ In a blinding pace, Eiji sets off, and through a hazy vision of speed and Eiji, Ash sees his boyfriend racing ahead, lifting the pole. Ash’s lips part, shoulders tensing as the pole digs into the mat- the pole flexes, Ash’s eyes water, and Eiji’s body twists. He’s flying. 

But not for long. Eiji’s body arches and twists, and his leg twitches with intensity. His back hits the bar, and Ash scrambles to his feet when he realizes that Eiji was falling. 

Eiji’s shoulder hits the mat, and Ash slides onto his knees, collapsing beside the fallen Eiji. The man winces, holding his shoulder painfully. The pole, long abandoned, lays limp and useless on the other side of the bar. 

“Eiji!” Ash calls, and he moves from his knees to his side, laying beside him. Ash cradles his face with both hands, “Eiji, Eiji, Eiji,” He breathes his name. Eiji opens his tightly pressed eyes, staring at Ash in confusion. “Ash?” He murmurs, “Ash, I couldn’t do it.”

“Don’t lie to me, Eiji,” Ash kisses Eiji’s head. “You did it. Eiji, you _flew_.”

The sides of Eiji’s glassy eyes are crinkled as he smiles. Then, Eiji laughs, “I did it.”

“You did it,” Ash agrees, and he presses another kiss to Eiji’s nose. “I’m so proud of you.” 

“I could not have done it without you,” Eiji sighs. “Thank you, Ash.”

“Hey, that was all you,” Ash grunts. Eiji shakes his head, and inches towards Ash, putting his head beneath Ash’s chin. Ash wraps his arms around Eiji, “You’re so amazing, Eiji. I’m glad to be your man.”

“Your man?” Eiji echoes, and Ash chuckles. “Yeah. Your guy. Your boyslut. Your lover.”

“Ah yes! My lover!” Eiji says, sounded animated about that bit. Ash figures that Eiji doesn’t know what boyslut means. “My boyfriend, yes! My man! Ash, you are my man.”

Ash laughs, a hearty, genuine laugh. “I love you Eiji,” He says, burying his nose into the mop of hair atop Eiji’s head. “But I’m kind of hungry.” 

“Yes, me too,” Eiji sighs, “I am sad you must eat hospital food. Is time there to eat lunch at home? Maybe at my mother’s home?

Ash laughs. After all this time, Eiji’s accent _still_ hadn’t faded. His English had improved, of course, but it barely changed a thing. It’s odd, but Ash feels his cheeks warm at the notion of that. Something as little and as constant as Eiji’s accent reminded him of something; that no matter how much had happened, Eiji hadn’t changed from Eiji. Despite what he had seen, and all he had endured, Eiji was still the same, sweet, straightforward good boy who saw past every single one of Ash’s decoys and layers, and had exposed the real Aslan Callenreese to love, kindness and acceptance.

“It’s stupid how much I love you,” Ash settles for saying that instead of all that was passing through his mind. He pets Eiji’s hair as he continues, “I just love everything about you, Eiji.”

“Not stupid,” Eiji completely rejects the idea, giving a gentle push to Ash’s shoulder. “Sweet. Romance! I love you much more, Ash, but you too blind to know. Now, let’s eat lunch?”

 

Ash gazes out the window, his forehead pressed to the glass as he stares at the moving clouds, inching across blue skies. Across from him, Eiji sits on Ash’s bed, a newspaper in hand. Ash, seated in a green chair near the window, looks to Eiji with gentle eyes. 

“Darling, you’re squinting,” Ash calls. Eiji looks up from the paper, “You call me elder?” 

“Maybe,” Ash grins, taking the opportunity presented to mess around a little. “Only old guys need glasses, you know honey? _And_ you’re reading the news! Jeez, what kind of prehistoric geezer are you?”

“Look who speaks,” Eiji snorts, returning to studying the newspaper. “You are fool, Aslan. You wear glasses. You read _shinbun_. You are so old, you in hospital!”

“You’re so old, you have a limp!” Ash shoots back, and Eiji gasps in what Ash hopes is mock offense. Eiji glares at him over the paper, “I have side pain! I was shot to save you!” 

“Old man!” Ash sings over Eiji’s offended explanations. 

“You are old man more!” Eiji yells.

Ash gives into the argument, unable to stop himself from laughing. His eyes are closed as he laughs, and a warm, fuzzy feeling fills his chest once he hears Eiji join in. “Aslan,” Eiji calls as they settle down. Ash’s shoulders shake happily as he breathes through his nose, smiling wide. “You are my old man.”

“Same for you,” Ash replies, with affection. His smile stays on as he and Eiji exchange loving looks, and he’s still beaming as he watches Eiji fix his glasses and continue reading through the news. “Darling,” Ash says, “You’re squinting.”

Eiji doesn’t reply. Ash thinks it might be in good fun, but after a couple of seconds, Eiji puts his paper down and looks at Ash. “You already said that, Ash.”

Ash blinks slowly. He rakes his brain for any memory, any distant notion of the words, but it never comes. “Did I really?” He asks, eyebrows furrowing. 

“Yes,” Eiji murmurs. He gazes at Ash with worry in his eyes, but Ash can’t bring himself to share that same concern. Above all, Ash is happy. Happy to be with Eiji, happy to be in Japan, happy to be okay, and happy that Eiji is worrying over him. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, sweetheart,” Ash assures, and he offers Eiji a small smile. “I’ve just forgotten something little. There’s no need to worry.”

“Have you forgot many of little things?” Eiji inquires, and Ash isn’t sure how to answer. He shakes his head and tells him, “Well, if I have, I wouldn’t know, cos I forgot it.”

Eiji smiles in a playfully mocking way at Ash, which makes Ash chuckle. “ _Koneko_ , I am just trying to see if you are getting so old, that you are forget things!”

“ _Koneko?_ ” Ash repeats, setting aside the old-guy banter, “What do you think you’re calling me?” 

“Kitten,” Eiji replies shamelessly, without a hint of hesitation. Ash’s face flushes red at the translation, and he’s rendered speechless. “I- uh…”

“Have you forgot English too?” Eiji grins, and Ash clicks his tongue and turns to look out the window, his cheeks hot. 

“But Ash, really. Are you okay? Do you remember what I said to you before you told me I squint?” Eiji carries on his previous concerns. Ash looks back from staring out the window in frustration, “Yes. You told me that I’m your old man, right?”

A look of relief washes over Eiji. Ash smiles at it, “I told you, sweetie. I just forgot something little. It’s all the medicine and therapy kicking in, you know?”

“Yes, I understand,” Eiji sighs, shaking his head. Ash moves his chair closer to the bed, in order to offer his hand for Eiji to hold. Eiji accepts it, and kisses the back of Ash’s hand lovingly. Ash’s rosy cheeks are burning, but Eiji continues speaking as though he’d done nothing. “Are you doing well in hospital, Ash? Do they treat you well?” 

“I’m doing fine,” Ash assures, “I like it here. The nurse has a nice butt.”

Eiji narrows his eyes at Ash. 

“I’m just kidding! The only butt I’d look at is yours, sweetie,” Ash laughs it off, but Eiji still has a skeptical look on his face. “I’m serious! Listen dear, I really like it here. It’s peaceful and the therapist is kind to me. I feel like it’s helping me, you know?”

“I am happy it help you,” Eiji tells him, but his face doesn’t match his tone of voice. “But if you want to be with nurse so much, maybe you should leave me now!”

“Sweetheart, no!” Ash laughs, squeezing Eiji’s hand. “I love you! I wanna be with you, dear, not the nurse!” 

“No, better for you to leave me for nurse with better butt,” Eiji refuses Ash’s attempts at amendment, turning his head away indifferently. Ash keeps laughing, barely able to apologize. 

“You laugh because I am right!” Eiji proclaims, but Ash shakes his head, coughing in his attempt to stop his laughter. “No! Baby, baby, look at me? Look at your kitten?”

When Eiji ever so slightly shifts his head and opens one eyes to a slit, it’s enough for Ash to be content and keep going with his apologies. “I love you, sweetheart. Nobody gets me like you do. Nobody could ever love me like you do, okay? And I couldn’t love anybody else but you, baby. And that nurse’s ass is actually really flat compared to yours.” 

Eiji huffs loudly, and turns to look at Ash. With the hand that wasn’t being held by Ash, Eiji cups his cheek and leans down to press a kiss into Ash’s wild, blonde locks of hair. Ash smiles, eyelids fluttering shut at the gentle contact. “I love you most, Aslan,” Is what he says. “And I joking about leaving you. Only a crazy person would be wanting to leave you.”

“Are you sure you’re not a crazy person?” Ash asks him teasingly. Eiji pulls away from kissing Ash’s head to look at him sternly, “You shut mouth! Only stupid stuff come out! No talking for you, you say only dumb things! I am not crazy person! I am just crazy in love for you!”

Before Eiji can scold him any further, Ash leans up and presses a kiss to his lips. “I love you, darling,” Ash coos against the soft skin of Eiji’s lips. Eiji, red in the face, speaks again. “I love you more.”

“You’re blushing,” Ash teases, and Eiji presses a hand to his cheek, looking away from Ash in embarrassment. “I- No! My face is cold!”

“Eiji, don’t lie to me!” Ash gasps, in mock-scandal. He rises from his chair, taking Eiji’s hands, “Can’t you see how red your cheeks are, honey?” 

“No, because I do not have mirror,” Eiji retorts, glaring at Ash as he climbs into Eiji’s lap. Ash grins devilishly at Eiji, to which Eiji looks bewildered. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing we haven’t done before,” Ash assures him, eyes shining with mischief. His head dips, and Ash’s lips press against Eiji’s neck. Above him, Eiji lets out a gentle groan, “Ash!” He hisses, as Ash sticks his hand down. “Ash, _the nurse!_ ”

“Thank god she’s away!” Ash sings, and pushes Eiji onto the bed. 

 

Three years ago, Ash was stabbed in the side. Had the librarian not noticed the blood pooling around Ash’s chair and called the paramedics, Ash would have died. Three years ago, Eiji returned not a week later back to America. Three years ago, Ash disbanded his gang and moved with Eiji to California, and stayed with Max and Jessica. Two months later, Ash was diagnosed with severe depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Ash was hospitalized in a Californian mental institute under treatment for trauma and depression, and was also internalized due to suffering a sickly phase of anorexia only months ago. Two years ago, Ash was released from the mental institute. He was proclaimed healthy. One year later, Ash and Eiji said goodbye to Max and Jessica and moved to Izumo, Japan, under the factors that Eiji had to return to his family, and Ash couldn’t bare to be apart from him. Ash and Eiji moved into a small apartment ten minutes away from Eiji’s family. One month later, Ash was internalized in a Japanese mental institute; now, he’s spent 200 out of the required 300 days hospitalized. 

With Eiji in Ash’s arms, Ash couldn’t yearn for their little apartment more than he does now. Ash couldn’t wait for the next one hundred days to go by, no matter how long that sounded- he wanted to go _home._ He wanted to wake up to Eiji’s cooking, to dance with him in their trashy little kitchen and lay with him for god knows how long. And with the moonlight shimmering through the blinds, illuminating Eiji’s bare shoulders and black hair, Ash feels more homesick than ever. 

He sighs, rubbing Eiji’s smooth back. He buries his nose into Eiji’s hair, staring at the ceiling thoughtfully. Ash thinks about Eiji, Eiji and the medical bills. Though Ash was always the one protecting and caring for Eiji, the tables had turned drastically; with Ash unable to work as he’s required to be hospitalized for nine months, Eiji took the reigns and worked his ass off to pay off the medical bills. Ash always felt bad. He spends all of Eiji’s visits apologizing, kissing his forehead sorrowfully, making love to him filled with promises and apologies. Eiji graciously forgave Ash, but it didn’t stop Ash from feeling like shit on a stick. Eiji worked as a freelance photographer, and Ash had come to be aware that Eiji juggled three part time jobs. Earlier today, Ash had been informed that their electricity shut off because Eiji had to pay the medical bills tomorrow. 

“I can always steal money,” Ash had told Eiji, desperate for his lover to take a break. “Remember how I stole a motherlode from Golzine? I can steal how ever much you need me to, Eiji, I can do it if it means you won’t have to work this hard for me.” 

“No, you are not a criminal any longer,” Eiji had refused, “And I am happy to work hard for you, okay? I would work every hour of day and night if it means you get better.” 

Ash smiles at the memory. He kisses Eiji’s head, and lets out a quiet sigh. Though Eiji was working hard to help Ash, Eiji wasn’t totally alone. Max and Jessica liked to pitch in whenever they could, and sometimes, Eiji would catch a break when Jessica randomly announces she would cover all of the next month’s expenses. Ash was grateful to have family like Max and Jessica, and even more so to have a man like Eiji in his life. Tired of thinking, Ash moves onto staring at Eiji. He marvels briefly at his beauty. Eiji’s chest was pressed to Ash’s stomach, and his cheek was laid gently on Ash’s chest, head tucked beneath Ash’s chin. Eiji was a sight to behold, with black hair messy from sex, expanses of sandy, smooth skin dappled by little moles or lonesome beauty marks. The hospital blanket was pulled up to cover nothing below Eiji’s hips, allowing Ash to stare lovingly at his hip bones and tight abdomen. Ash touches the swells of muscle on his deltoids with great affection, and finds himself going straight back to thinking. But now, he wonders how a human being could be so impossibly beautiful. 

And he also wonders why a nurse hasn’t come in since eight pm. The door had been locked while Eiji and Ash were at it, as it always was at night, so even if Eiji were to wake up, he wouldn’t be able to go home until six am of the next morning. Ash doesn’t _mind_ that the nurse hadn’t come. If she did, Eiji would’ve left a very long time ago. 

“Ash?” Eiji calls drowsily. Ash breaks from his train of thought immediately, and looks down at Eiji, “Hey.”

“ _Sore wa asadesu ka_?” Is it morning? 

“No honey,” Ash whispers, staring fondly at Eiji’s sleepy face. The man was barely awake, with his face swollen from sleep and big eyes barely opened. Ash adores seeing it, and secretly, he loves being the only one who gets to see it. “ _Nemuri ni modoru._ ”

Go back to sleep, Ash tells him, and Eiji smiles at him. “ _Aishiteru,_ ” He tells Ash he loves him, and presses a kiss to Ash’s pectoral before returning to his former position. Ash pets his head lovingly, smiling like an idiot; he has no reason to be so happy, but he knows he’s smiling because Eiji had looked so adorable, seeking comfort from Ash and Ash only. The first person he had asked for was Ash! Ash feels like a child, thinking this way, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He always felt younger with Eiji. Always felt like he was taking back all the time he had lost so long ago, as a child, as a boy, and as a teenager. 

Dreamily, Ash sighs, and he lets himself slip away into sleep. 

 

The next morning, Eiji leaves. He kisses Ash on the head and tells him he’d be back at lunch, and Ash begs him to stay a little while longer. 

“The nurse is asking me to leave!” Eiji says, and Ash grows angry. “That nurse is an idiot!”

“Ash, you dummy,” Eiji groans, pushing his forehead against Ash’s. “I will come back with lunch, okay? Please wait for me, darling!”

“Of course I’m gonna wait for you,” Ash mutters, pressing a steady kiss to Eiji’s lips. Eiji starts to leave, Ash grabs his butt, and Ash is left alone, staring after the shut door. 

When Ash is alone, he thinks about weird things. Not entirely weird things, really. He just thinks, and he thinks a lot. This mental ward was quite the brutality, Ash decides after he resumes his usual activities of staring out the window. His contacts with the outside world were few, and in the common lobby there were only a little more things than in Ash’s room. It had a little more space, a little more television, a little more newspaper, a little more people, a little more food and a little more tables covered with chess pieces. He likes the commons, but he likes his room a little more. Just cos it had a little less than everything else, if that makes sense to you. 

Ash can sit at the window and watch the clouds move for hours. It’s a good pastime. Nurses come in and out, and Ash likes to strike up chit chat, but their watches beep and their duties take them elsewhere. But chit chat with nurses was boring, anyway. Staring out of the window and feeling his emotions move with the clouds suits him a little more. He just likes it a little better. Now, Ash’s mind drifts to lonelier thoughts. After watching the clouds for so long, Ash begins to feel lonely. He tries to see when his therapy session will be, but there’s no clock to tell him. He bores holes into the door with his eyes, feeling anxious without Eiji. He writhes his hands, praying that a nurse might come back. It’s depressing, really. When things get depressing, nowadays Ash takes to the commons. He likes it a little less than he likes his room, but it’s alright enough. 

The commons aren’t empty. They’re never really empty. There’s nurses chattering with old guys, sad looking teenagers looking blankly at their scarred wrists, women with dark eyes and unhappy demeanor. There were all sorts of people in the commons. Ash likes them. They didn’t strike up conversation. Most of the patients were sad looking, and they must’ve thought Ash was sad looking too. So sad looking people don’t really chat it up, Ash guesses. He chuckles at his scattered thoughts and decides to sit down at a chess table. Feeling no need to wait for an opponent, Ash plays by himself for a little bit. 

He’s fastly accompanied by one of those sad looking teenagers. The teenager is a girl. Ash can tell she’s young- fifteen, maybe, but the gloomy look in her eyes made her look forty. Like she had years of experiences, which were all pretty heart breaking. “ _Onii-san,_ ” Big brother, she says. Then, she moves on to tell him that big brother sticks out a lot. 

_”Sore wa fuku ga gen'indesu ka? Watashi wa sore ga ō sugiru koto o shitte imashita.”_ Was it because of the clothes, he jokes, and tells her that he knew it was a little too much. Every patient wore grayed hospital gowns, but not the kind where your ass hangs out, luckily. 

The girl grins at him, and Ash’s mouth twitches into a smile. “ _Onii-san,”_ ”, Ash will never get over it. The gentle drawls of Japanese people, awfully respectful little shits, calling him _big brother_ , or _Rinkusu-san_. He wants to tell them all to call him Ash, for God’s sakes, and that there were no need for anything like san, chan, sama, whatever. He feels so, terribly uncomfortable when they say it, because Ash is fully aware that never in his _life_ has he deserved that sort of respect. 

“ _Amerikahitodesu ka?_ ” The way she says American almost makes Ash’s heart melt. The teenager had asked if he was from America.

“New York,” Ash tells her with a smile. Her eyes blow wide, and she repeats the name of the city in awe. 

“ _Amerikahito-san,_ ” Now, she addresses him as American. Ash almost starts to cry. She asks, very politely, if Ash would agree for a match of chess. He warns her that he is telepathic, to which he mispronounces, and he’s proud to have called her _onee-san_ and everything. 

The teenager laughs, but Ash isn’t so sure what’s funny. She says, “ _Onii-san wa toshiuedesu!”_ Big brother, you are older. Ash blushes at his improper use of the honorific, and to switch topics he announced that he’s going to start the match, whether the teenager likes it or not. He doesn’t say the last bit though. He doesn’t know how. 

They play their match of chess, and though Ash finds the teenager good company, he beats her easily. Every round. Eventually, the teenager gives up, and slumps down in her chair with those sort of Japanese sighs. She tells him, “ _Wa kachimasu, Onii-san.”_

“ _Yoi shiaideshita,_ ” It was a good match, Ash tells her, and the teen smiles. She tells him that she’s no match for him, but Ash tells her that he thinks she’s pretty smart. 

“ _Sore wa nani to shindan sa remashita ka?_ ” Ash likes to think that he asked her what she was diagnosed with, but the teenager looks a little weirded out. She smiles awkwardly, and says, “ _Watashi no onii-san wa totemo amerikahitodesu._ ” Big brother is very american. Ash grins sheepishly, “ _Watashi wa anata o okora semashita ka?_ ” 

She shakes her head and tells him, not at all. She advises against ever using _anata_ in conversations, and tells him to call her Katsujiro-kun. 

“Katsujiro-kun,” Ash repeats. She nods happily, then tells him, “ _Tōgō shitchō-shō_.” Schizophrenia. 

That’s rough, he tells her, and goes onto inform her that he had depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. She apologized profusely afterwards for Ash’s illness and wished him well. 

“ _Arigato, demo-,_ ” Ash’s thank you is interrupted, rudely, but a nurse calling for Katsujiro. 

“ _Gomen'nasai_ ,” She apologizes, “ _Sumimasen_.” She excuses herself and goes. Ash waves at her, and is almost sad that she’s left. But he’s not too sad. He wonders if he’ll see her more if he came down to visit the commons more often- but he doesn’t really feel like it. _I’ll see her some time,_ He decides, and gets up to get some quality hospital-brunch. 

 

Visiting hours roll around after a very much dreaded therapy session. _That shit took forever!_ Ash thinks, glum with all the grilling questions they’d dumped on him. He’s consoled by the time, telling him that Eiji was here, but he’s gloomy nonetheless. At his door, Eiji Okumura stands, staring at the ceiling. Ash’s mood brightens, and he smiles. “Eiji!” He calls, “I missed you like hell!”

“I missed you too!” Eiji laughs, and they hug, for a very long time. Ash didn’t feel like letting Eiji go. In fact, most of the time, whenever Eiji left, a subtle panic would rise in the depths of Ash’s stomach, making his hands jitter and ankles ache. So he never really felt like letting Eiji go. “How was work?” Ash asks into Eiji’s shoulder. He’s relieved to return to the facilities of speaking English, which came to Ash’s mind like first nature- no thinking or brain scouring for long. “Long,” Eiji confesses. “I miss you at home, Aslan. Ninety nine days left?”

“Ninety eight to go,” Ash jokes, and Eiji lets out an amused snort. “That’s not very long. Soon you will bother me at home instead of hospital.”

“Start talking shit and I might pinch that nurse’s butt, Okumura,” Ash threatens teasingly, his voice nothing but playful. He can feel Eiji smile against his skin, “Really? Then it look like I am not needed here any more. I won’t visit until ninety seven days, okay? See you!” Eiji bids him farewell, trying to pull away from Ash’s arms. 

“You really think I’m letting you go that easy?” Ash growls, taking Eiji’s earlobe between his teeth and tugging softly, “Think again, baby!”

Ash lifts up Eiji, throwing him over his shoulder. As he does, Eiji shrieks with laughter, squirming and wriggling and swearing to Ash that he’d never kiss him again. Eiji’s playful happiness makes… makes him happy, so Ash can’t help but laugh along as he opens the door to his room. He shuts it, and spins Eiji around for a little bit. 

“Ash, _no!_ ” Eiji cries, banging his fists against Ash’s back. “Put me _down!_ Ash, I will send you to see Gods!” 

“Put you down, you said?” Ash asks. He moves closer to the bed, and lets go of Eiji’s legs. He yells as he slides off of Ash, falling head first onto the mattress. “Aslan, you asshole!” He insults, and kicks Ash in the butt. 

“Ow! Baby, that hurt!” Ash yelps, hands flying to cover his ass. Wounded, he turns to look at Eiji with a hurt face. “What was that for?!”

“For you being idiot,” Eiji snorts as he pulls his shirt down and tidies his clothes. “You know what, Aslan? You have small wiener.” 

“You nasty!” Ash laughs, grabbing Eiji’s wrists and pushing him back onto the bed. “You’ve seen it tons of times and this is the first time you complain?”

“It so small, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings,” Eiji explains, leaning up to press a kiss to Ash’s lips. “I like small penis though.”

“You’re a fuckin’ asshole,” Ash clicks his tongue, pinching Eiji in the side. He laughs, and arches his back in attempt to get away from the painful experiences, “You are the asshole!” Eiji retorts, and Ash pinches him again. Through laughter, Eiji orders him to stop, and Ash grins. “What? Keep at it?”

“Stop it, Aslan!” Eiji cries, swatting Ash’s hands away. He looks at Ash, with a pouty expression that makes Ash’s heart melt, and he breaks from his malicious grin to a softened smile. “What? What are you smiling at?” Eiji asks, as though he were insulted. 

“You’re the love of my life,” Ash whispers, eyes shimmering with an indescribable emotion. “You’re my whole world, Eiji.” 

Ash let’s Eiji’s hands slip from his grip. They hold Ash’s face, and Ash lets out a shaky sigh when he does, closing his eyes. He loves this gentle, beautiful side of his usually grumpy Eiji. Ash nuzzles his face into the palms of Eiji’s hands, feeling more at home than he ever has. His mind is fuzzy with warm thoughts, all scattered, all filled with this raging emotion, something beyond love that no human could possibly understand. Something that only Ash and Eiji shared. Ash kisses the palm of Eiji’s hand, and opens his eyes. 

Beneath him, Eiji’s brown eyes are rounded with the same, fierce emotion that Ash was experiencing. That Ash always had experienced about Eiji. His face is tender, and his gaze, though strong, is just as gentle. Then, Eiji smiles, “I am going to fondle you now,” He whispers. 

Ash laughs, cheeks warming. “Okay.” He whispers his agreement. 

 

A nurse comes in while Eiji’s knocked out, face pressed against Ash’s bare chest and arms wrapped around him. Ash looks at the nurse, and the nurse looks at him. She looks… shocked, and then there’s an embarrassed look on her face. With her cheeks red, she says, “ _Watashi wa Ash-chan ga dansei ga sukidearu koto o shirimasendeshita_.” I didn't know you liked men. 

Ash chuckles, pitying the poor nurse. “ _Watashi wa kare ga sukidesu._ ” I only like him. 

“ _Ash-chan mo josei ga sukidesu ka?_ ” Do you like women too? The poor woman had taken a liking for Ash. Ash didn’t feel too bad for her, but he pitied her anyways. He wasn’t going to sugarcoat anything though- Eiji is the only one Ash likes. The only human Ash really, really loves. He’d gotten over liking men and women both after he’d met Eiji. Sexuality was such a foolish thing to Ash. He didn’t need such a thing, didn’t need any titles to know he loves Eiji with everything he has. He doesn’t need to feel more than any sort attraction to anyone except for Eiji himself. 

“ _Mō chigaimasu. Watashi wa Eiji ga sukidesu,_ ” Not anymore, he tells her, I only like him. 

“ _Watashi wa sono yōna bakadesu. Watashi wa hontōni Ash-chan ga sukideshita!_ ” I’m such an idiot, she groans, I really liked you! Then, she laughs and wishes the best of luck for Eiji and Ash as she trades out a couple of filled trash cans. 

The nurse goes, and Ash puts his arms around Eiji. He rubs his shoulder, kissing his head lovingly as he did. Ash sighs, eyes trailing up to the ceiling. Sometimes, Ash just feels these intense, overpowering urges to do whatever he can for Eiji. To buy him food, to make love to him, to kiss his head, to dance with him, to laugh with him, to sit down next to him, to kill for him, to pull the blankets over his pretty body and work his ass off to make sure Eiji’s life was more than amazing. 

But he can’t do that much. It’s depressing. It really is. As he comes down from the high of Eiji-related necessities, he looks at the man he held in his arms. He was just as beautiful as ever, with his head on Ash’s chest, his pretty eyelashes casting a shadow on his cheeks as he slept, his wide hand holding one of Ash’s. “I love you,” Is all Ash can say to him, because there’s not a word more powerful than I love you. Ash hates that. He hates that he can’t convey his emotions through words, because the max of every language seemed to be the everlasting “I love you”. 

He tries telling him in Japanese. “ _Aishiteru,”_ Ash murmurs, and it doesn’t quite work. But the language, still so alien to Ash, is so different that it might just be good enough for a temporary fix. Ash, still dissatisfied with the little way he was forced to show his enormous amounts of love, kisses Eiji on the head and secures his hold around his slender body. With his nose in Eiji’s hair and his arms wrapped around him, Ash’s irritated expression eases into that of contentment. As the afternoon sun filters through the blinds, Ash drifts off into what would become a very long nap.


	2. Chapter Two

On the ninety fifth day, which was the time Ash had until he was able to leave, something interesting happens. Ibe Shunichi and Eiji Okumura are both seated in Ash’s room. Eiji and Ash sit together on the window sill, holding hands and speaking softly as Ibe reads the paper. 

“No, because the world coming to an end,” Eiji explains to Ash. The couple shared a deep, meaningful conversation about aliens and whether or not they were going to invade Earth. It had started with Eiji wanted to go see a Queen concert, which spiraled into the meaning of bisexuality and human behavior, which then made its descent into the famous “What-is-our-purpose-here”, which jumped to religion, and finally, Ibe had shown them a column about the world ending, and it leads up to Ash and Eiji’s current topic of conversation, and explains the distressed look on Ibe’s face. 

“You sure world ending?” Ibe calls, looking anxious. 

“Oh yes, Ibe-san, world end right now, two minute!” Eiji teases, and he cracks that playful grin that Ash adores. Ash leans over and pecks the corner of his mouth, “Sweetheart, you’re so pretty.”

“Suddenly so nice?” Eiji’s eyebrows raise, but he puts his arms around Ash’s neck anyway. Ash grins, wrapping his arms around Eiji’s waist, “Howzabout you take these jeans off, baby?”

“Oh Ash, do not tease near Ibe-san!” Eiji giggles. Ash glances over to Ibe. The old guy was still chewing on his lip and nervously rereading the world-ending column. “Old guy’s pretty much dead already. Can I keep teasing near him?”

Then, Ash’s usual nurse barges into the room. The force of the door swinging puts Ash into this sort of instinctive, survival tactic, where he leaps to his feet and stands defensively in front of Eiji, all while pulling off his hospital shirt. It scares Ash, when he realizes what he’s doing. But it doesn’t stop him, because whoever was barging in might have a gun, might be here to shoot Eiji in the side or Ash in the head. 

The nurse puts her hands up, and apologizes feverishly. Eiji and Ibe, equally on edge, forgive her rapidly, saying some sorts of assurances to her that Ash didn’t quite catch. Ash… he suddenly feels light headed. He sits down, staring conflictingly at the faded shirt in his hands. The thoughts come to him, one by one. First, there’s an aggressive reminder that Ash just wasn’t _fast enough._ That if it were really anyone, anything bad, the gun could’ve fired, the knife could have been thrown, and Eiji could have been killed. 

The second thought is this; Ash doesn’t need to be so on edge anymore. There wasn’t that constant danger around every corner- they were in Japan. Ash couldn’t be hurt here, because he wasn’t a criminal here. Nobody really knew of Ash Lynx in Japan- they knew of Aslan Jade Calenreese though. And they sure loved to add in extra vowels and pronounce it however they pleased too. 

Ash smiles. He scrubs a hand down his face, his tense shoulders drooping. It almost feels like a waste, being in this place. Like all the therapy, all the medicine means nothing because Ash’s first response to a loud noise was to get in front of Eiji and use a shirt as a weapon to strangle the intruder. 

There’s a hand on his shoulder. Soft fingertips brush down Ash’s bare back, and suddenly, Eiji’s voice is soft against his ear. 

“Always my hero,” He murmurs with affection, his arms loose around Ash’s torso. He presses his cheek to Ash’s back, “But there is no more need to be defensive. It’s okay. You relax, okay? Anybody do you danger here, they have chat with my fists. You do not need to fight 

“I love you, darling,” Is all Ash can tell his lover as he smiles. Eiji is just too damn sweet. He always knew what to say, and even if everything he says is utter bullshit, it makes Ash smile like a stupid kid. It makes Ash feel cared for. Because even if everything Eiji said was bull, he still loved Ash enough to say anything at all to comfort him. 

“I love you most,” Eiji tells him, kissing his shoulder. He pulls away from Ash, and hunches over to be eye level with him. Ash finds the action so cute, that he gives Eiji the softest look he can muster and kisses his head. “But no more lovey stuff. The nurse say you have letter from America!” 

“Letter from America? From who?” Ash asks Eiji, his eyes wide with shock. He looks to Ibe, who still looks damn worried, and to the nurse with a white envelope in her hand. 

With rosy cheeks and a shy face, she tells him that it was addressed to him, and that she wasn’t sure how to say the name. 

“Thanks, dollface,” Ash mutters in English. He thinks Ibe translates for him, but he doesn’t really care. He turns the envelope over in his hands, once, twice, and when he reads who it was from, his chest swells with emotion. 

“Sing Soo-Ling is writing us, darling,” Ash laughs, putting a hand on Eiji’s waist to pull him closer. “You see this, Ibe? Sing!”

“Sing?” Ibe repeats, head tilting in confusion. “I meet Sing?”

I don’t think you have, Eiji tells Ibe in Japanese. Ash is too occupied opening the letter with one hand that he doesn’t tune in to anything else. In his excitement, he shakes it open and reveals the letter. 

It starts like this,

_Ash and Eiji,_

Below it, “ _And Ibe too_ ”, is scribbled in. Ash grins at it, and calls for Eiji and Ibe to read it too. 

_How’s Japan? I saw some magazines about Tokyo, and it looks pretty cool. I started reading manga. I also started illegally watching anime. Also, I like natto now._

Ash looks at Eiji with a playful grin, and Eiji right returns the look. “The poor idiot’s a fanatic,” Ash chuckles, and Eiji smiles fondly. “He buy all these Japanese things to be reminded of me and you, Aslan. I miss him very much.”

_I think you know already, but I kind of miss you guys. Anyway, the Chinese are looking pretty good. I’ve gotten tougher about loyalties and whatever, ever since Lao stabbed you, Ash. Now I’m pretty sure the whole gang is loyal. I hope._

The next word is scribbled out thickly, and the words following are;

Yut-Lung is doing pretty good too. He’s gonna take control of the Lee-Clan soon, and I think he’s gonna make an awesome leader. 

“Yut-Lung,” Eiji’s eyebrows raise, “I have not seen him in god knows how long.”

“If I see him,” Ash mutters. “He’s a dead man. Sing better not bring him around.”

“Yut-Lung? Man that got Shorter killed?” Ibe inquires, and both Ash and Eiji look at Ibe. Eiji shrugs, “I guess so. Ash angry because Yut-Lung sent assassin in Chinese gang to kill me. Remember shot in my side?” 

“Oh, yes,” Ibe’s eyes darken. “But Ei-Chan, you are not angry?” 

“No, Ibe-san,” Eiji tells him, a gentle tread to his voice. Ash looks to Eiji in surprise- but he’s not all that shocked. Eiji didn’t hold grudges like that. He didn’t hate for that long. He could barely manage hating in general, Ash thinks. Was Eiji being too sweet about it? After all, Yut-Lung had sent for people to kill him. Wasn’t Eiji upset at all? 

“My days of anger are done,” Eiji’s explanation is short, and it’s obvious he won’t elaborate. Ash frowns, looking from Eiji to Ibe. Ibe has a sort of… gloomy look on his face. But Eiji didn’t look to fazed. He was busy trying to continue reading the letter. Ash’s frown deepens, wondering if his days of anger were spent angry at himself, for busting his knee, for being unable to jump, for being unable to pole vault like he should. No, it was that. That’s what Eiji meant. 

Saddened now, Ash presses a gentle kiss to Eiji’s cheek, to which Eiji smiles at, and he returns to reading without much else to include. 

_But I’m sure you guys don’t wanna hear about gang stuff at all. Probably the last thing you want to hear. I missed you guys at my birthday, a lot. I don’t know why, because I’ve never missed you guys that much, but I guess when I turned sixteen, it felt like I shouldn’t be getting so old without two old guys beside me._

Ash and Eiji chuckle. Ibe lets out an amused snort. 

_I’ve been really sad lately. I just miss everybody. It’s weird. I miss my parents, I miss Lao, I miss Shorter, I miss you guys. Is it the hormones? I’ll really never know, I guess. I’m planning on visiting soon, but I don’t know when time will allow. I want to do it soon, so this dumb sad phase can be over with, but my gang’s getting bigger by the millisecond. I really need to be here too. Well, I’m about to run out of space, so I guess this is goodbye for now. Please write me back, because I miss you guys._

_Your friend, Sing._

And it ends like that. 

“We have to write him back!” Eiji exclaims, taking the paper from Ash’s hands and thoroughly examining it. “He misses us and Shorter! Oh, he must be lonely!”

“Don’t stress it too much, babe,” Ash laughs, kissing Eiji’s cheek again. “We’ve got time.”

“Last night, I receive letter from Max.” Ibe announces, and Eiji and Ash turn to look at Ibe. 

“Max Glenreed?” Ash asks, and Ibe nods. Beside him, Eiji comments, “What other Max would Ibe-san speak about?”

Ash clicks his tongue and ignores the retort. Ibe continues, “Yes, Max. He say that he miss you, and he miss Eiji being, eh, being sassy. He say he going to come visit for Christmas one year.”

“For Christmas?” Ash and Eiji repeat, their voices happy and eyes bright. Ash’s old man might be coming to spend some time with them in Japan! His thoughts were so childish and fast paced, that Ash barely noticed how he referred to Max as his dumb old dad- he was too busy thinking about where he would show Max first. 

“Well, I do not know, he say one year,” Ibe shrugs, and Ash and Eiji exchange gleeful looks. 

“Maybe he means this year!” Eiji’s smile creases his eyes, and it makes Ash’s heart skip a beat. Suddenly distracted from his happiness, he presses a kiss to the corner of his eye. Could you blame Ash, though? If there were a man as pretty and as sweet as Eiji in front of you, wouldn’t you be head over heels for the guy? Wanting to kiss him all the time, whenever you could? 

“I pray soon,” Ibe says, “I am missing Max too.” 

“Now I have many letters to write,” Eiji tells them, but he doesn’t seem to upset about it. In fact, his eyes were shining so bright that it made Ash’s heart squeeze. His excitement over Sing and Max were fastly delayed, as he was busy gazing at Eiji chattering away in Japenglish to Ibe about Max, letters and Sing. 

 

On the ninety first day, Eiji was not able to make it to visiting hours. Eiji has always come to visiting hours- he made it to every single one of the 209 days. There wasn’t a day that Ash spent without Eiji, truly. But today, Eiji couldn’t make it. His boss in his retail part-time required him to be there for a couple extra hours, and would delay his paycheck if Eiji didn’t agree. And Eiji needed to pay rent, the electricity bill and the water bill. 

Ash could tough it out. He knew he could tough it out. He’s spent almost all of his life without even knowing of Eiji’s existence, so why should he be worrying over his absence now? And even with that, Ash has spent plenty of days away from Eiji. He should be fine. He _will_ be fine. 

Right?

After receiving the phone call bearing the news at breakfast, Ash had left his plate half finished, feeling ill as he returned to his room. Now, Ash gets out of bed to go wander the commons, determined not to be so down about Eiji’s absence. Though Ash doesn’t know it, it doesn’t help. The whole time, his legs bounce and he trips over his words, only able to speak a jumble of English instead of Japanese. He barely talks to anyone. After lunch, Ash goes to his therapy session. Ash was getting tired of the constant anxiousness he felt away from Eiji, and he hopes a therapy session can fix it. 

The therapist wants to cover Ash’s depression for this session. They talk briefly about Ash’s moods these past days, confirmations of Ash’s medicine intake, any suicidal thoughts and what not. 

“How do you feel today, Ash?” The therapist speaks English, and Ash can only thank God for that. 

“Bad. Eiji can’t come see me.” Ash’s anxious mood spikes when he says his name. He whimpers quietly and puts his chin in the palm of his hand. 

“Eiji-san,” The therapist repeats. “How long have you know Eiji?”

“Three years,” 

“And you love this man?”

“I do.”

 

As it turns out, the therapist wasn’t the greatest help. In fact, as Ash is taken to be supervised as he took his medicine, he walks gloomily with the nurse, wanting Eiji to come. She gives him his medicine, and he asks if she’s seen his lover. 

What do they look like? The nurse asks. 

“ _Kireina,_ ” Beautiful, Ash replies with a cheeky grin. He tells her that he’s reminded of his lover every time he looks at the sky. 

“ _Totemo romanchikku,_ ” How romantic, the old nurse laughs. “ _Watashi wa watashi ga wakai koro koi ni ita toki o oboete_.” 

I remember when I was young and in love, she sighs, and Ash smiles. There’s hope for you still, old lady, Ash assures. 

Visiting hours come and go, and Ash remains in bed for the whole time. As the evening approaches, and Ash’s eyes grow tired of staring at the ceiling, Ash’s regular nurse finds him. 

_”Darekaga Ash-chan o yonde iru,”_ She says, flashing that pretty smile of hers. Comforted by her friendliness, Ash rises from his bed and goes to the phone. He picks it up, _”Konichiwa?”_

_”Ash!”_

Energy seems to flow through Ash’s body, dripping through him at the sound of Eiji’s voice. “ _Eiji,_ ” He breathes, face leaning into the phone. “You don’t know how much I miss you.”

 _”I miss you more,”_ Eiji’s voice is tender. Ash smiles, wishing he could kiss him. “Can you sneak in later tonight?”

 _”Where will I sneak in through?”_ Eiji asks.

“Just come in and say it's an emergency! And you have to see me!” Ash whispers into the receiver. Eiji laughs, _”They will not let me, koneko. Be patient and wait for tomorrow!”_

Ash frowns so deep, he’s sure Eiji could hear it through the phone. “Tomorrow is too long,” Ash sighs. “I don’t ever want to go a day without seeing you.”

 _”Ash, you old man! Do not get so sweet on me,”_ Eiji’s voice is gentle, and Ash prays for their phone call to last for hours. _”But my soul is always with you, Aslan. My heart also.”_

“Don’t make me cry, asshole,” Ash mutters. He sure was on the verge of tears. His chest feels tight and his eyes were stinging quite a bit too. If he did burst into tears, he wouldn’t go a day without letting Eiji hear about it. “I love you, Eiji. How was your day, baby?”

 _”It’s well, but I have many jobs to keep up. I work the whole day, to pay for you! You better hold me well, Aslan!”_ Eiji complains into the phone, and Ash laughs. What the hell did he mean by hold? “Hold your hand or something? I can do that pretty good. The hell are you complaining for?”

_”Sex, Aslan. You are terrible in bed.”_

Ash’s face turns thirteen different shades of red. “No I’m not! I’m great at that! You’re always limping and shit afterwards!”

 _”It so bad, it make me limp! Hold me better, Aslan!_ ”

“Baby, c’mon! You’re always moaning and screaming, being all loud. Doesn’t that mean I do you good?” Ash groans, trying to find some sort of excuse for Eiji to drop his grumpiness. 

_”That mean I’m uncomfortable!”_

“Well, you’d better get used to it because this is the first and last dick you’ll ever be getting in your life!” Ash hisses, and Eiji huffs. 

_”I am joking, Aslan. I love your little wiener.”_

“It’s huge and long!” Ash slams his fist on the desk. His nurse looks at him, puzzled. 

_”I am joking again! You take thing too seriously. Little wiener.”_

“You’re the one with the little penis and you know it,” Ash snorts, “If you don’t like mine, why the hell are you fondling me all the time?”

_”Ash, you idiot. I love your dick. It very big and long. You hold me very well, but you hold me better from now on, because I work so much for you.”_

“I’ll try my best,” Ash chuckles, amused by their stupid arguments. “And your dick isn’t half bad.”

_”What? Half bad?”_

“Nothing, baby.”

_”Oh, okay. How was your day, Aslan? I miss you very much.”_

“I miss you too, baby. My days been shit without you. Ever since I got your call this morning I’ve been anxious and shit. Can’t function right.” Ash tells Eiji, his humorous mood drained as he recounts his awful day to the love of his life. 

_”Oh, Ash, please do not miss me so much! Only a day, okay? Tomorrow I go, we sleep together and make a lot of love, yes?”_

Ash laughs, “You sex addict.”

 _”Sleep together mean cuddle, no? Sleep next to each other?”_

“Yeah, yeah, but what about the make a lot of love?”

_”Yes, I mean what I say. You are going to fuck the shit out of me tomorrow.”_

Ash’s face, already red to the extreme, heats up as he laughs in embarrassment, “Who taught you that?!”

 _”You! You kno-,”_ Eiji’s voice cuts off. Ash strains his ear to hear, but he can only pick up mumbles and quiet voices. Growing anxious again, Ash tries saying his name. To his luck, it works. _”Ash?”_

“Eiji!” He says in relief, his expression easing. “Where did you go? What happened?”

_”Aslan, I have to leave. My boss call me, my break is over. Please do not be sad, okay? After I leave work and pay everything, I call you.”_

“Leave? Why?” Ash splutters, panic rising inside of him. “Eiji, where are you going?”

_”Ash? Ash, listen, okay? Do not be sad, okay? Listen to my voice. Don’t panic.”_

Ash follows his lover’s instructions. He listens as Eiji speaks softly into the phone, whispering promises and words of comfort. Ash takes a deep breath, and lets it out shakily. “Eiji,” He murmurs. “I love you.”

_”I love you too, Aslan. Will you be okay?”_

“No,” Ash confesses weakly. “Don’t go without me.”

 _”I am not going anywhere without you,”_ Eiji’s voice, once rushed and hurried, becomes quiet, broken into a molten sadness. _”I’m always with you, Aslan.”_

He hangs up, and Ash is left with shaking hands. Tears fall from his eyes, catching on his eyelashes as he stares at the telephone in his hand. His nurse rushes up to him, asking if he was okay. Ash chokes out a sob, slamming the phone back and covering his eyes with his arm. He pushes the nurse away from him, and runs to his room.

 

One hour later, his therapist comes. Ash jumps from the window sill, fists ready to engage. His jump knocked over the pillows and papers on the window sill, and Ash now moves to stand behind the desk. He stares at his therapist like a wounded coyote, and his therapist gazed at him with a pitiful expression. “Ash, how long have you cried?”

“Where’s Eiji?” Ash demands. 

“Okumura-san?” The therapist repeats, clearly confused. But to Ash, his tone of voice and odd demeanor means he’s _hiding_ something. He’s hiding Eiji from him, and Ash can bet money that he’s hurting him too. 

“I’ll kill you if you don’t bring him to me right now,” Ash snarls, flexing his fingers. 

“Ash, calm down. I do not have Okumura-san. I’m not the bad guy, Ash, I’m your therapist.” 

The man that once loomed above Ash now became a regular human, with Asian eyes and a worried face. He was not a monster. He wasn’t some sort of blood-thirsty idiot chasing to destroy Ash’s happiness. “My therapist?” Ash repeats, dumbfounded. 

“I am only here to help you, Ash.” The man murmurs. He crouches to level with Ash, eyes rounded with a newfound concern that Ash recognizes. “That’s my only purpose.”

It’s only now that Ash realizes he’s been crying. With shaking knees, Ash falls back onto the ground. He trembles violently as he cries, back pressed to the corner as he stares at his therapist. 

 

On the ninety third day, the day after Eiji had finally come to see Ash, Ash wakes up to Eiji at the desk. The hospital had allowed Eiji to stay the night, as Ash had suffered so much in his absence. They talked quietly throughout the whole night, sharing gentle kisses and even softer words. Now, Ash rubs the sleep from his eyes as he watches Eiji, dressed in nothing but boxer shorts, hunch over the desk, writing something. 

“Morning dollface,” Ash yawns. 

Eiji looks up from whatever he was doing. Eiji smiles over his shoulder, “Good morning. Sleep well?”

“Yeah,” Ash scratches his head. “With you next to me, I always sleep good. What’re you doing?”

“Filling out a resume,” Eiji replies, turning his head back to the paper. 

“Resume? Another job?”

“Yes. Life is pricey, Ash Lynx.” Eiji sighs, “I have not bought groceries for weeks. I eat at my mother’s home now.”

“Does she know you’re paying my bills?” Ash asks, and Eiji shakes his head. “No. She does not know we are together, and I do not want her to worry or be mad.”

Ash falls silent. He watches Eiji’s shoulders rise slowly with his breathing, watches as the sun hits Eiji’s back and illuminates his skin, watches as he moves his hand to scratch his neck from time to time. He suddenly feels so, so, very awful. Eiji was almost completely alone in this. His mother had no clue of his financial situations, his family thought that Eiji and Ash were roommates and good friends and payed rent equally, Max and Jessica hadn’t helped out in weeks, and Eiji was on the brink of overworking himself to sustain being alive and paying for the help that Ash needs. 

“Eiji,” Ash calls. He rises from his bed, wearing only a pair of baggy sweats. He puts his arm around Eiji’s neck, kissing behind his ear. “I love you a lot. Thank you for doing so much for me, baby. I promise, the second I get out of here, I’m gonna work my ass off and you won’t even have to work at all. You’ll just,” Ash pauses to turn Eiji’s face his way. He kisses him, “You’ll stay at home and be my beautiful housewife, okay?”

“Oh Aslan,” He laughs, pressing another kiss to his lips. “Let me sit on you?” 

“It’d be a pleasure, darling,” Ash grins, switching spots with Eiji. He looks him up and down, hands squeezing his thighs. “Who’s gonna take these boxers off?”

“Nobody,” Eiji snorts. “Now is not time for sex, Aslan. Now is time for resume.”

“What?” Ash gapes. “Eiji, but… but you’re always horny!”

“Not when I am busy,” Eiji mumbles. Miserable, Ash puts his arms around Eiji’s waist. He presses his cheek to his shoulder, “Not even a hand job?”

“Keep your dirty hand away from my underwear,” Eiji, grumpy as ever, warns. He scribbles away, and Ash, though sex-deprived, is very content rubbing his hands up and down Eiji’s toned, tight stomach. 

“Aslan, I should have gone to college,” Eiji sighs, continuing to fill out his resume. 

“So should I. But now we’re broke and in Japan.” Ash mumbles. 

“Eh, you get scholarship. I am not smart like you, so I have to pay.” Eiji brushes it off easily. Ash clicks his tongue, “You’re as smart as me, baby. I think you’re a little smarter, even.”

“Your IQ is of 200. My IQ is of 90,” Eiji snorts. “You are stupid if you think I am not stupid.”

“I think you’re smart,” Ash retorts. “I also think you’re pretty. And sexy. And a god at sex.”

“You want sex so bad, Aslan?” Eiji growls, smacking Ash’s hand away. “You go have it with nurse who have nice butt.”

“Eiji, didn’t we already pass that phase?” Ash groans, his arousal disappearing with the incoming argument. 

“You maybe. Not me. I remember that forever! When we get married, I will talk about nurse with nice butt too!” Eiji snaps at him. 

“What?! Baby, stop it! It’s not like you haven’t checked out any other dude!” Ash argues. Eiji whips his head around to glare at Ash, “I do not look at other men, because they all are ugly next to you! You stupid idiot!”

Ash’s lips part. He looks up at Eiji with rounded, shocked and endeared eyes. Eiji looks absolutely enraged, but Ash was getting horny again. “Eiji Okumura, I want you to marry me.”

“No!” Eiji hisses, slapping his pen down on the table. Suddenly, Eiji turns in Ash’s lap, and Ash can only sit back as Eiji rips off his boxers and yanks Ash’s pants down. “First, you will stick your giant penis inside of me!” 

 

Midway through Eiji bending over on the desk with Ash’s dick inside of him, there’s a knock at the door. 

“Hello? Ash, it’s your therapist.” He calls from the other side. 

Ash clicks his tongue in irritation, squeezing Eiji’s ass. “Can ya come back in a little? I’m masturbating right now!” 

“Is Eiji in there with you?”

Well, Ash is in Eiji. Eiji was below him, clutching onto the desk and staring at Ash with the lewdest expression. 

“No, man! I’m jerking it right now, come back in twenty.”

The therapist seems to stumble upon his words, then he says, “Okay.” Ash can hear his footsteps echo down the hallway. 

“Jeez,” Ash grumbles, slapping Eiji’s ass. He yelps. “Can’t a guy enjoy sex with his hot boyfriend in peace?”

 

The therapist is back by exactly twenty. Eiji wears one of Ash’s denim jackets, and since they couldn’t find his pants in time, Ash covers him with a blanket. 

“Don’t move around too much, got it? If the blanket falls off, I might have to punch my therapist.” 

“What if I move around very much?” Eiji asks, coy as ever. 

“Then I might kill my therapist. We don’t want that now, do we darling?” Ash pats Eiji’s lap. 

“What? So you can get jealous of therapist who do not want to even see my leg look at my legs, but I cannot get jealous of you looking at nurse’s butt?” Eiji frowns. Ash laughs exasperatedly, “ _Baby,_ ,” He says through clenched teeth, “ _Keep the blanket on!_ ”

“I am mad at you now, Aslan.” Eiji declares, but to Ash’s luck, he wasn’t throwing off the blanket or anything. 

“Can I come in?”

“Yes!” Ash calls back. He gives Eiji’s thigh a good squeeze, and takes his hand away when the therapist enters. 

“Am I interrupting anything?”

“No, you aren’t.” Ash assures. 

“Good, good. Okumura-san, I need to talk to you about Ash’s stay here,” The therapist explains. Eiji perks up in surprise, “Talk with me?”

“Yes, you,” The therapist says. Ash doesn’t quite like the way he says “you”, but he lets it slide for now. They switch the language to Japanese, which Ash can still understand. 

They talk for a while, and at some point the therapist asks if Eiji has a girlfriend. 

“No,” Eiji laughs. “I am single.” 

Ash is on the verge of punching the therapist while crying. 

Then, the therapist gets serious. He looks to Ash and Eiji, then says, “ _Watashitachiha Ash-san no taizai o enchō suru koto o kangaete imasu._ ”  
We’re thinking of extending his stay. 

Ash’s heart plummets. Extending his stay? “How many more days?” He asks, becoming frantic. 

“Possibly one hundred more.” The therapist sighs. “Based on what happened before yesterday, we might take longer to treat some things.”

“ _One hundred?_ ” Ash repeats, his jaw dropping. 

“But Ash has always been that way when I am not around. It was worse at the beginning, right? Why has that not been treated for?” Eiji asks, and Ash can tell he’s getting pretty on edge about it. But, Ash in his panic, can’t think of much he can do to comfort him. 

The therapist says that he has done treatment for Ash’s paranoia, and talks and talks and talks, but Ash can hardly think straight. He would have to be away from Eiji for one hundred days. Another, full one hundred more days. One hundred and ninety three days more. 

“Is the one hundred days what he needs?”

Ash wants to scream at Eiji for asking it. Tearing up. He’s tearing up over this. He bites his lip, hard, and puts his face in Eiji’s lap. He grabs the blanket, balls it into his fist, cries, pushes his face into Eiji’s lap, does anything he possibly can and he has no clue as to why. Suddenly, he feels Eiji’s soft hands pet his head. 

“I cannot afford one hundred days more,” Comes Eiji’s pained voice. “Please do the best you can with the ninety three days remaining.” 

When the therapist leaves, Eiji lays back on the bed. He lets Ash cry into his chest. Ash holds onto him for dear life, feeling him pet his hair and rub his shoulders. He pushes his face into Eiji’s chest, crying and crying. He thanked the Gods that Eiji let him cry. He thanked the Gods for Eiji’s existence, actually. 

“I wanna go home,” He cries, and he begs Eiji to take him. He begs Eiji to do very many things for him, but Eiji can never come through. 

“You are ill, Aslan,” Eiji would whisper. “You’ll go home very soon.”

And it made Ash cry a lot more. His cries range from his past to his present- from Golzine to Shorter Wong, from leaving America to going home. And it makes Eiji cry too. They’re both crying now.

 

Day eighty eight rolls around. Nothing special happens that day, except for the fact that Ash and Eiji had sex in a janitor's closet. It was pretty gross in there, but Ash couldn’t hold it back anymore.

 

On day seventy four, Ibe-san’s niece comes to see him. Eiji couldn’t make it for visiting hours, but Ash was more at peace now. Even though he was calmer about it, Ash still wouldn’t eat, and he would stare out the window longingly, waiting for his lover. 

This is Akira’s first impression of him. The young girl, still a child, enters the room. She sees a person. A man. His long legs are gathered together, his pale skin is reflected in the gloomy lighting of the rainy afternoon, his blonde head is pressed to the window, and his green eyes are shining against the rain. An ethereal creature, Ash was to little Akira. 

He turns his head, and is surprised to see how cute Akira is. “Hey,” Ash greets in English. He switches to Japanese, “I’m Ash Lynx.” 

Eiji won’t stop talking about you, Akira tells Ash over a game of chess. 

Ash grins. He tells her, “ _Kare wa watashinojinsei no aidesu._ He’s the love of my life, Ash says. 

Akira’s eyes widen. She repeats it; love of my life? 

“ _Watashi wa kare no jinsei no aidesu ka?_ ” Am I the love of his? Ash asks playfully. Akira smiles, looking at the chess board in embarrassment. She makes her next move, and Ash lets her win. 

Akira and Ash sit on the window sill, eating hospital prepared sandwiches. She has this curious look on her face whenever she so much as glances his way; Ash decides he must look very foreign. I used to lead a gang, he tells her. Akira’s eyes widen, and she repeats; “ _Gyangu?_ ”

Ash nods. We were a scary bunch, he tells her. Maybe the most brutal guys out there. 

Akira stares at him. Ash smiles, “ _Eiji to issho ni Nihon ni kuru tame ni gyanguraifu o akirameta._ ” I gave up gang life to come to Japan with Eiji.

For Eiji? Akira says. Ash nods. True love, isn’t it? 

“ _Watashitachiha sōrumeitoda to omoimasu._ ” I think we’re soulmates, Ash explains. 

“ _Watashi mo sō omoimasu!_ ” I think so too. 

Akira doesn’t ask too much about Ash’s past life. But she sure does have a lot of questions about Eiji’s time there. Ash had told her the story of how they met, explained how he let Eiji hold his gun, he tells her the story of how he fell in love, and why he fell in love. 

“ _Eiji-chan wa naze uta reta nodesu ka?_ ” Why was Eiji shot? 

Surprised at the question, he shifts his gaze onto the young girl. Do you know? She asks. 

Of course I know, Ash snorts. He tells her that Eiji was shot a couple of times, and he tells her that both of them were to protect Ash. 

“ _Eiji-chan wa hontōni Ash-san o aishiteimasu_.” Eiji really loves you, she says, and her eyes are rounded with sadness and a certain sort of sympathy. 

“ _Watashi wa, kare o aishiteimasu._ ” And I love him, Ash replies with a gentle smile. 

Akira asks if she’ll find her soulmate one day, like Ash has. He tells her she might, but soulmates are some of the rarest people to come across. He says that she’s lucky to even know of Ash and Eiji. 

 

When Ibe comes around, Ash and Akira are drawing together at the little white desk in Ash’s room. Akira scampers to her uncle, and Ash gets up to greet Ibe. “Was she bad?” Ibe laughs, sharing a hug with Ash. 

“Nothing of the sort. She’s a great kid,” Ash assures Ibe, looking at the wide-eyed Akira. She reminds him of Eiji. 

“Thank you, Ash. I have to leave now, but it good to see you look well!” Ibe says, patting Ash’s shoulder roughly. Ash looks to Akira, “ _Mata ne_.” See you. 

“ _Mata ne!_ ” Akira stutters, waving to Ash as she leaves. 

 

On day sixty eight, Ash receives a letter from Blanca. He reads it while he and Eiji eat lunch. “Blanca, that idiot,” Ash chuckles, folding the paper. He sets it in a box of letters, all from Max, Michael, Jessica, Alex, Bones- friends and family, is what I mean. 

“What was letter about?” Eiji asks, looking up from the store-bought ramen. 

“Just chit-chat. He told me about life in the Caribbean, then he made seventy different Indiana Jones references, and then he asked how Tokyo is.” Ash explains, going back to eating the ramen. “Babe, why didn’t you cook?”

“Because I have no money,” Eiji snorts. “Be grateful for what you are eating!”

 

Ever since life gradually loosened its hold on Ash, Ash loosened his hold on life. At the beginning of Ash’s letting-go-of-survival-mode, nothing ever really made sense to Ash. His defenses were down, his will to live had lost its edge, and Ash kept having these terrible flashbacks to Golzine, to Shorter Wong, to all of his rapists and all of the men he’s killed mercilessly, to Eiji being shot, shot, shot and shot. The intensity of the flashbacks lessened as Ash got more treatment, until the flashbacks gradually went away. On day sixty five, Ash wakes up and thinks that Eiji is dead. 

 

It only lasts for a couple of minutes, early in the morning. By that time, Ash had attacked a couple of nurses and had beat the shit out of somebody who he thought could have killed Eiji. Eventually, security grabs him. 

“Yut-Lung,” Ash hisses, tears streaming from his eyes. “I’ll _kill him_.” He swears, thrashing in the guard’s arms until the very last moment. 

 

He’s sedated. When he wakes up, he’s in some sort of detainment cell. He’s been here before. It’s lonely. The white is almost blinding, and the walls are padded. 

Ash is on the floor when he wakes up. He doesn’t remember what happened, and he doesn’t know where he is, barely remembers his name. The first thing he does is cry. He cries and cries, he cries for so long, that eventually, the walls become distorted and his vision grows blank as his body refuses to give up any more tears. He shakes and sniffles, and doesn’t stop until the door swings open and Okumura Eiji runs in. 

 

“He could turn to hurting you, Okumura-san.” 

“Ash could not ever hurt me that way.” Eiji rejects the suggestion immediately. The therapist had called for a conference with Eiji, but Ash punched a nurse for trying to take him away from Eiji, so here they were. Talking with Ash’s therapist. Ash has his arms wrapped around one of Eiji’s, his face buried into his shoulder. 

“The thing is,” The therapist sighs, “That he could. He could hurt you very badly, Okumura-san.” 

“The last person Ash could hurt is me. I am sorry, but I will not accept that sort of speech about Ash.” Eiji states firmly. He moved to take Ash’s hand in his, to which Ash is absolutely grateful. Whatever that therapist said didn’t really matter. Eiji knew that Ash would never lay a hand on him. It makes for a soft, warm feeling in Ash’s chest. 

“Okumura-san,” The therapist begins, “Has Ash ever hurt you?”

“He’s never hit me,” Eiji’s voice is low, with anger weaved into the undertone. “Please do not imply such a thing again.”

There’s silence between Eiji and the therapist. Ash looks up, seeing Eiji’s bitter expression, and the therapist’s shut off, almost angry look. “He will remain here for the next sixty five days and go home. If he is not treated well, you will have big trouble, yes?” 

 

“So dumb how they have not treated you for your memories already,” Eiji mutters his complaint as he walks with Ash, arm in arm down the hallway.

“Eiji,” Ash’s voice is quiet. He sticks close to Eiji, their legs brushing together as Ash slouches. “Can I go home yet?”

“Not yet, Ash,” Eiji sighs, the irritated tension in his shoulders loosening. “But very soon, you will.”

 

Day fifty nine, and Ash is feeling like himself again. Eiji kisses his cheek and talks to him about everything- his family, the apartment, the bills, Max and Jessica, Sing and Blanca, Shorter and Nadia. Ash’s shaking hands had subdued, and the turbulent thoughts in his mind had been calmed. He’d have to thank his therapist for that much, at least. 

On day thirty nine, Ash sits in the common rooms. Eiji can’t make it again today. Nobody can. And, as usual, Ash is worried. He’s still worried enough that it made his stomach churn and knees weak, but not enough to make him lash out, or fight or anything. He just… wasn’t hungry. He watches television, smiling at a rerun of the Live Aid concert.

“ _Mercury-san wa subarashī kashudesu._ ” He’s a wonderful singer. Ash turns his head, and is greeted by an old man. Like, a grandpa-old man. His hair was gray and thinning, his eyes were small and his face was droopy and wrinkled. Ash nods, pitying the old guy, “ _Hai_.” 

I will miss Mercury very much when he dies. 

“ _Mercury-san wa sorehodo furukunai,_ ” Ash chuckles, suddenly amused by the old dude. Besides, why was he worrying? He would die way before Freddie did. 

The old man shakes his head, “ _Mercury-san wa mamonaku shinu._ ” Mercury will die very soon. 

Ash blinks. “ _Shinu?_ ” Die? He repeats. What was this dude going on about?

“ _Hai, Mercury-san wa shinimasu. Kare wa totemo byōkidesu._ ” The old man sighs, looking sad as he shifts in his chair. He said yes, Mercury will die. He is very sick, says the old man. 

“ _Byōki?_ ” Sick? Ash repeats again. He can’t help it- this old man is really confusing him. “ _Kare wa genki-sōdesu. Kare wa byōki janai._ ”

He seems to be just fine, Ash says, he’s not sick at all. 

“ _Sore ga Mercury-san ga watashitachi ni shinjite hoshī monodesu_.” It is what he wants us to believe, “ _Shikashi, watashi wa kare no me ni sore o mimasu. Sore wa totemo, totemo warui byōkidesu, watashi no yūjindesu._ ” But I see it in his eyes. He is very, very ill, my friend. 

Ash turns his gaze back to the television. Freddie’s just transitioned from Bohemian Rhapsody to Radio Ga Ga. He was moving across stage, kicking and throwing the microphone. The confidence he bore oozes from the screen- but the old man was right. There was a certain something about him now. Maybe it was the eyes. Maybe it was the way he looked from time to time. Maybe it was the glow of true happiness, of health, that had seemingly disappeared with the old man’s idea. 

“ _Anata ga-,_ ” Ash begins to speak, but when he turns his head to look at the old man, he realizes the chair beside him is empty. 

The old man had gone. Ash gets up, looking around frantically for the old guy. He even checks under the chairs, looks behind the sofas. Just as he’s about to further his search, he catches a glimpse of Freddie Mercury dancing on stage. Ash bites into his lip. His gaze flits between the television and the cafeteria, but something tugs at Ash. Something wants to go back and see Freddie Mercury dance. Something tells him to sit back down. 

So he does. Confused, and saddened, he watched as Freddie sings. 

“Eyo,” He mutters along, slumping down in his chair. He’s really going to be sad when Freddie goes. 

 

Day twenty one. Ash has just finished a therapy session that seemed to have dragged on for hours, with multiple therapists asking questions and scribbling down stupid notes on their stupid clipboards. As upset as he is, Ash tries to calm himself down. He knows that therapy, that a mental ward is the only way to truly get him back on his feet. Three hundred days of it should be enough for Ash to tough it out for a while, and let Eiji rest, shouldn’t it? 

During visiting hours, Eiji and Ash lay around, both drained. Eiji from work, and Ash from that therapy session. They hold hands as Ash sits on the floor, reading a book. Eiji’s just staring at the ceiling, back pressed against the bed. “You going to come home very soon,” He comments. 

“I am,” Ash agrees. 

“Aslan, will you like being with me forever?” Eiji murmurs, and Ash chuckles. “What a stupid question. _Of course_ I’ll like being with you forever,” He puts down his book, and turns his head to look at Eiji. “What makes you think I won’t?”

“Will you not want to love other people? Maybe you will grow tired of me, Aslan,” Eiji worries, looking at Ash with these stupidly big, sad eyes. Ash clicks his tongue, “What the fuck kind of thoughts are in your head? Why would you ever think I’d get tired of you?” He spits, before he kisses Eiji’s temple. “Gag me with a spoon, Okumura! I’d die before I ever got tired of you, and you know it.” 

Eiji smiles. His furrowed eyebrows ease, and his smile becomes gentle laughter. Ash watches him laugh, and can’t help but smile too. He’s just too damn cute, you know? Ash leans against him, kissing his head. 

“I love you, Aslan. You are much too good to me.” Eiji sighs. Ash shakes his head, “No baby, you’ve got it wrong. You’re the one who’s way too good for me. Hey, when I get home, I’m gonna treat you like a fucking king, got it? I’m gonna make your food, I’m gonna do the laundry, I’m gonna work my ass off so you can be comfortable… everything, okay? You won’t have to worry about shit.”

“Thank you, Aslan,” Eiji squeezes his hand, “But you are never going to cook. Your food smell like monkey poop.”

They both laugh at that. 

 

Day ten. Day ten? Day ten. It’s day fucking ten. He’s almost through with his three hundred days. “Fucking gnarly,” Ash whispers to himself when he wakes up. 

“That’s bad,” Ash breathes to himself in astonishment as he serves himself breakfast.

“That’s fucking bad,” He mumbles around a spoonful of jello.

“Shorter,” Ash sighs to himself as he stands in the garden outside, staring at the sky as the other patients meandered around. “This is like, totally bitchin’. Oh shit, wait, maybe you’re in hell.” 

“This is fucking righteous,” Ash mumbles to himself as he lays completely naked in his bed, snuggling with the also naked Eiji. 

“What is righteous?” Eiji asks. Ash gives Eiji’s ass a good squeeze, “That is.” 

 

The last day is a hectic blur. Ash is so happy, so ecstatic, that he barely realizes he’s saying goodbye to his therapists and doesn’t even notice when he wipes his nurse’s tears away. He’s given his pills, and all the information about it comes in one ear and goes out the other. He doesn’t even know that he’s saying goodbye to all the friends he’d made during his nine-month long stay. Now, they waited at the front desk, accompanied by a doctor and Ash’s therapist, for Eiji to arrive from work, sign off everything and pay the final expenses. Ash is going to be officially released today. 

Eiji arrives, and Ash is snapped out of his trance. “Eiji!” He cries, and Eiji yells, “Ash!”

They run towards each other. _Run._ Eiji jumps into Ash’s arms, legs tight around his waist and arms squeezing the life out of Ash’s neck. Ash stumbles backwards, but it doesn’t take long for his arms to be squeezing the shit out of Eiji too. He’s smiling, a smile so big that it closes his eyes and starts to hurt his cheeks. 

“Ash, you’re coming home!” Eiji cries into his shoulder. 

“Eiji, I’m fuckin’ going home!” Ash shouts into Eiji’s neck. They laugh, and stay that way for as long as they could. That was, until the therapist and doctor were annoyed. 

 

Eiji signs off the papers, and he pays the final expenses. Ash is free. They run hand in hand out of the hospital, laughing and tripping over their shoelaces. Ash eventually picks Eiji up bridal style, “Let’s go make love in the back of the car, baby!”

“Ash, you weirdo!” Eiji laughs, hitting his chest. Then, as they calm down from their unreachable high, Ash looks down at Eiji and Eiji looks up at him. Eiji holds his face in his hands. “No, Ash. We have to do it at home. So it can really be our home.” 

“I’m gonna start crying pretty damn soon,” Ash tells Eiji, and they both start to laugh again. “Let’s go home, Eiji.”

 

On the car drive home, Bohemian Rhapsody comes on the radio. Ash turns it up with his free hand, as the other was occupied by Eiji’s. They listen for a while, and talk about the most random things. Just as the song nears its end, Ash switches the topic to Freddie Mercury. 

“Darling, I met an old man in the hospital,” Ash begins. “It was while I was watching a rerun of the Live Aid concert, ya know? This old guy sits next to me, and he starts talking about Freddie and blah, blah, blah, and suddenly, he tells me that Freddie Mercury’s gonna die.”

“What? He is not old enough to die,” Eiji laughs in confusion. “Is old man planning to kill Freddie Mercury?”

Ash laughs, “I didn’t think of that,” He confesses. “Then the old guy tells me it’s cos he’s sick. And- and after a little bit, I watched him dance and jump around, and I realized it. I saw it too. He looked sick.”

“I have not heard news of Freddie Mercury personal life in a very long time,” Eiji mutters, frowning. 

“Yeah. I didn’t hear anything about him being sick and whatever, but when the old guy told me, I looked at the screen and,” Ash pauses. He has to pause. He recalls seeing Freddie, with these certain sad gazes that Ash had the sudden ability to pinpoint due to the old man. “And he looked really tired, Eiji.”

Eiji is quiet. Then, he asks, “Do you think he is ill, Aslan?” 

“I don’t know,” Ash admits, running a hand through his hair. “But I really hope he doesn’t, Eiji. I don’t know why, but I think I’m gonna be sad as hell if he goes.”

“It is okay to feel that way,” Eiji says, “When you grow up hearing someone’s music, it feels odd to have them out of your life. It like you knew them forever, right?”

Ash nods. Eiji continues, “So I think I’ll be very sad too, if he goes.” 

Ash purses his lips. He stares at the radio, pulls his hair out of it’s bun, and finally, he clicks his tongue. He leans over, and turns up _Somebody to Love_ , full volume and everything. 

“Fuck it,” Ash shouts over the music. “Freddie Mercury forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back to as I lay living! this update is so soon after the other one because part of chapter two had already been written lololol  
> hope you enjoyed!!


	3. save me the waltz

“save me the waltz” 

The night sky sheltered no stars. And that’s how it starts.

In the swirling memories of Golzine’s former mansion, the moonlight slipped through the giant windows and illuminated Shorter’s gentle face. He looks from the window to Eiji, and bows. “Will you dance with me?” 

Eiji bows. He holds out his hand. He feels like Shorter knows everything that’s on his mind; so as screams ring and shots were fired in the hallways of the mansion, Eiji finds no necessity in speaking. 

Shorter takes Eiji’s little hand in his, intertwining their fingers. Shorter puts a hand on his waist and pulls him close. “I missed you.”

Eiji doesn’t speak. Instead, he puts his hand on Shorter’s cheek. Shorter presses his face into Eiji’s palm, and they begin to dance to an imaginary music.  
“Did you miss me?” 

Shorter twirls Eiji away from him. Eiji follows through with each of the dance’s steps as though he’d known it all his life. Eiji is returned back to Shorter’s arms. “And you’re taking care of Ash, right?”

Shorter and Eiji move backwards and forwards, to the left and to the right, dancing with their hands clasped and staring at each other with gentle eyes. 

“I know you are,” Shorter smiles. “That’s the only thing you do nowadays, huh?”

Eiji is twirled away from Shorter again. He sticks his hand out, as though reaching for the furthest, most non-existent thing in the world. At his fingertips, Eiji sees these guys falling dead, bullets straight in between the eyes. Shorter pulls him back, and the guys, the shot guys are out of Eiji’s sight now, but as he regains focus on Shorter’s face, he sees men jump from the platform upstairs. 

“Eiji,” Shorter whispers. Eiji loses sight of the suicides, and looks into Shorter’s warm, brown eyes. Eiji puts his hand on Shorter’s face again. Around them, bodies thud, and above them, Ash shoots men down and dead with Eiji looking over his shoulder. 

 

Eiji wakes up. He’s breathing heavy. He stares at the bed sheets, unable to think of anything else but nothing. But his heavy breathing is quiet. It’s not like how Ash is like, when he wakes up screaming in the midnight. Even his tears are unnoticeable; Eiji himself doesn’t realize he’s crying until he feels them drip onto the back of his hands. 

He wipes his eyes. He looks at Ash, blinks once, twice at his peacefully sleeping figure. He gets up. 

Why didn’t he say anything to Shorter?

 

Ash and Eiji’s apartment is small, at most. There was one bedroom, one bathroom, and the only distinct separation between the kitchen and the living room is the kitchen counter. Their appliances were few. They had two plates, two sets of forks and knives, and a shared spoon. Their bed was of made two blankets on top of each other, two beat up pillows from Eiji’s room in his mom’s house, and their bedroom was empty other than that. The sofa was beat up, but their television was nice, considering it had been donated by Ibe. They rented movies and watched it together, when time allowed. Also, their kitchen appliances were decent, in terms of function. 

No matter how little, or poor in quality the appliances were and how small the apartment was, it wasn’t a bad place. The walls were painted a gentle beige instead of a blinding white, and the lights were soft and golden. The apartment was neat. No holes, no truly awful defects. And, besides, Eiji didn’t care that it was small. What he cared about was that it was his and Ash’s. He cared that it was a safe place for Ash, he cared about it being somewhere that Eiji and Ash could come home to and really feel like it was home. That’s what Eiji really likes about it. 

But not even the apartment that belonged to Ash and Eiji solely could comfort Eiji. As he cooked rice for their breakfast, Eiji’s hands shake. His face is drained of color as he chops vegetables. It comes to a point where Eiji’s body trembles with intensity, his eyes blown wide as he hears Shorter’s rough voice in his ear. 

The knife hits the board in an unsettling chop as he cuts through a tomato. Eiji cuts the tomato into slices, and he thinks. He thinks for a very long while. 

Shorter’s eyes were desperate. He was terrified. Eiji knew it- he saw the fear in Shorter’s eyes. He knew of the hopelessness nestled deep within him. He couldn’t fight him. He couldn’t touch him. He put his hands up helplessly and let Shorter attack him. He defended himself to his best ability, crying as Ash wailed.

Ash shot Shorter in the head. 

It was a favor. A favor between friends. Eiji feels sick to the stomach- he’s always thought of Shorter’s death as a favor. Eiji always thought of Ash’s killing as a release from the horrors Shorter’s mind and body had been forced into in such a short time after being injected. It makes Eiji _ill._ But, all’s fair in love and banana fish, in the end.

Why is the knife so red? Eiji comes back to consciousness, and his vision grows hazy upon the sight. The tomato was cut and severed completely- and the knife had cut open a chunk of Eiji’s skin, on the side of Eiji’s thumb. He was bleeding out onto the cutting board, staining the wood. The blood had seeped some of the knife in red, and the cut tomatoes were covered in it. 

Sick. Eiji feels so, so sick. His stomach is churning, his head is heavy, his hands are bloody and cold. He drops the knife, and stumbles backwards. The metallic smell of blood doesn’t waft into his nose, and Eiji doesn’t even notice how much blood is really gushing out. It dribbles from his soaked hands to the crook of his elbows, dripping from his arm onto the kitchen tiles. 

“Ash,” Eiji whimpers. He grits his teeth, eyes screwing close to try and fight back the stinging in them, to try and push down the knot in his throat. Tears blur his vision, and the knot gets tighter and tighter until it breaks entirely. Though he sobs, it’s quiet. Though he sobs, he feels nothing. Though he sobs, he walks in a daze to his bedroom, and lays down. He faces Ash’s serene, sleeping face, as tears slip down Eiji’s nose. He lets out a shuddering sigh, and falls asleep crying. 

 

There’s an enormous expanse of golden rye, gathered on a grassy cliff, swaying from right to left in the gentle breeze as the sun set. The colors were bright, and welcoming. A combination of yellow skies, orange clouds and a dying, burning orange sun, disappearing inch by inch beneath the earth. At the edge of the rye, stands Shorter Wong. Eiji is all the way across from him, from where the first stems of rye brush his ankles. 

“Shorter?” Eiji yells. But Shorter’s back is to Eiji, his hands in his pockets. His purple hair is bright against the falling sun, and his brown back is illuminated In tranquilizing light. His figure, lightened by the sunset, is distant. 

“Shorter!” Eiji calls again, but Shorter is too far away. He starts to walk through the towering stalks of rye, “Shorter! Shorter, it Eiji! I am right here!” 

The walking isn’t helping him get closer. Shorter still looks faraway, so Eiji decides he has to run. “Shorter!” He shouts. The rye brushes his nose, scratches against his skin, and smells an awful lot like Shorter Wong as Eiji runs to him, tears in his eyes. But it feels like he’s only getting farther and farther away from him. He calls Shorter’s name, and runs for eras, shouts until his throat is sore, but he makes no progress. 

“ _Shorter!_ ” Eiji cries, shoving through the rye and crushing yellowed grass as his feet thud against the ground. Shorter was still too far. Shorter was… 

Eiji couldn’t see him anymore. He was lost, in giant, looming stacks of rye. “Shorter?” Eiji’s strained voice grows quiet. He cries, sniffles and heaves as though he were a little boy. He whines, shoulders slouched as he wipes his eyes pitifully, coughing from his own sobs from time to time. 

“Eiji?” The rye blows, a harsh wind revealing Shorter in the midst of it all. Eiji looks up, but Shorter is distorted by his tears.

“Shorter, I miss you! I miss you so much, Shorter!” Eiji cries, his hands falling to his sides. 

“I miss you too, Eiji,” Shorter smiles. “I’m glad you and Ash are okay.”

“I am not okay, Shorter!” Eiji blubbers, “I am not okay without you!” 

“You’re not without me, idiot,” Shorter snorts. He picks up Eiji’s hand in his, and although Eiji wants so much to see Shorter’s face, he just can’t stop crying. Shorter presses his head to Eiji’s. “You’re never without me. Don’t you think about me all the time?”

“Yes,” Eiji nods feeble against Shorter’s head. 

“Donchya hear me laughing sometimes?” Shorter asks, and Eiji chokes on his tears at that. 

“Every day,” He says. 

“Then you’re not without me. I’m the one who’s without you,” Shorter whispers, “And I’m gunna be without you for a real long time.” 

“I don’t want you to be without me, Shorter,” Eiji mewls, his nose pressing gently against Shorter’s. “I want you to be with me!”

“That’s really what you want?” Shorter asks, and Eiji hits him in the chest, as though the question had insulted him. “Yes, you dummy! I miss you! I miss you every day, every second!” 

Shorter laughs. 

 

When he wakes up, Eiji is in the hospital. He’s in a bed, and somebody is holding his hand. “Shorter?” He calls, as a first instinct. Eyes shining with excitement, he whips his head around, but he’s greeted by a wide-eyed Ash. 

“Shorter?” Ash repeats, slowly. Then, his eyebrows furrow. “Did you dream about him?”

“Yes! He said he miss me, Aslan!” Eiji breathes, smiling from ear to ear. “I say I miss him too! We put our heads together, and I was crying, and he held my hand, and Aslan, I think he is going to come see us!”

Ash is quiet. He squeezes Eiji’s hand, “Why did you cut your thumb?”

“I chop tomato for breakfast,” Eiji explains, his joy fading away with Ash’s odd question. “Bring knife down too hard, maybe.”

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

Eiji stares at Ash. Ash stares right back, his green eyes solemn. 

“I was thinking of Shorter,” Eiji’s voice breaks, and so does the carefree expression on his face. “I was thinking about Shorter. I think about him too much. I think- I cut tomato, and, and I think about Shorter, and knife, it cut side of my thumb, and-,” 

Eiji is crying again. Ash is fast to comfort him, pulling him into his arms and petting his hair soothingly. He speaks, but to hell if he thinks Eiji can hear him. He can’t. He presses his face into Ash’s shoulder, holds his wounded hand and cries. 

 

They go home. Eiji has stitches on his thumb, and although painkillers were prescribed, Eiji feels no pain. He makes breakfast for Ash again, this time with Ash right by his side this time, and he finally serves rice, a warm bowl of miso soup and a salad. 

“Are you gonna eat?” Ash asks, picking up his chopsticks. 

“I eat earlier.” Eiji assures him, pulling out a seat and accompanying Ash at the counter. 

“You can eat with me,” Ash resolves, and tucks into his rice bowl. Every so often, he lifts up his head and offers rice to Eiji in wobbly hands and oddly held chopsticks, but Eiji refuses each time. He’s busy staring at his stitches, remembering the feel of the rye against his cheeks, too busy thinking about Shorter. 

“Open your mouth.”

“What?”

“Open it.” Comes Ash’s harsh command. Eiji obliges, because what else can one do when ordered by Ash Lynx himself? He sits with his mouth open, only for it to be stuffed with rice and salad seconds later. “Chew.” Ash demands, narrowing his eyes at Eiji.

Eiji closes his mouth, and chews. No refusals, no sass, no jokes. He chews and swallows in perfect function. He smiles at Ash, and for some reason, he doesn’t quite catch he confused, almost saddened reaction on Ash’s studying eyes. 

“Shorter said he’s gonna come see us?” Ash says. Eiji swallows his food, forcing on a smile. “I did not mean to worry you, Aslan. Eat your food, yes?”

“Don’t change the subject,” Ash sets his chopsticks down. “Have you been dreaming about Shorter for a long time?”

Eiji fills his mouth with food to try and avoid Ash’s questions. He looks at the wall, chewing and chewing as though he hadn’t heard Ash. 

Ash takes his hand, “How long, Eiji?”

Eiji sets down his chopsticks too. He swallows thoroughly, and it takes him a moment to tear his gaze from the wall and move it to Ash. “Since he die,” Eiji sighs. “Sometime, there is not too many. Other time, there is very many. It is not just Shorter, Aslan. I have bad dream about Skip, Arthur, Golzine- about you.” 

“About me?” Ash repeats, his green eyes, once sharpened with irritation, now soften into concern. “Eiji what… happens in those dreams?”

“I don’t dream like I dream about Shorter last night. Sometime, he come and talk to me. When you were gone in hospital, I had one dream about Shorter, but it was not like this one, where he talk to me and I talk to him, and he feel real. That… and other time, I dream about Shorter’s death. I dream about Skip death, I dream of memories of Golzine, I dream of you fighting Arthur. And when I dream about you, Aslan,”

Eiji squeezes his hand firmly. His brown eyes, once hallow, become brimming with a fearfully sad emotion. “You always die. I see you in my dream, smiling with my letter in your hand, your head resting on the table in the library,”

“Eiji, you’re crying,” Ash’s eyes are pained. His voice is broken as he reaches a hand up to cup Eiji’s face. 

“Why are you smiling, Ash? Why does Shorter see me so much?” Eiji doesn’t know he’s sobbing, but he is. Not even with Ash’s comment does he realize it, but he _is sobbing._ “ _Watashi wa anata ga mō shinu no o mitakunai!_ ”

I don’t want to see you die anymore. 

Ash gets up from his seat. He wraps his arms around Eiji, holding the back of his hand with one hand. “Wake me up when you get like that, Eiji,” Ash’s trembling voice whispers into his ear. “Wake me up every time you get like that, okay?”

“You can not worry,” Eiji cries, an ugly cry into Ash’s shoulder. His fingers curl into the back of Ash’s shirt, “I cannot make you worry.”

“I don’t give a shit, okay? I don’t give a damn about how I feel. I only care about how you feel Eiji,” Ash hisses into his ear. It makes Eiji cry more. It makes Eiji feel worse, for some miserable reason. “I’ll stay up all night if I have to, got it? Eiji, you hurt yourself this morning because you were distracted by some bad damn dreams, and I can’t have- Eiji, I don’t want you hurt like that again, you hear me?”

“It was accident,” Eiji sobs, fingernails digging into Ash’s skin through his shirt. “Was a accident.”

Suddenly, Eiji’s being lifted up. He doesn’t bother to see it, too busy crying and wailing. He understands Ash’s actions, wrapping his legs around his waist. “Yeah, baby,” Ash murmurs, rubbing his back as he carries him someplace else. “I know.” 

Ash sets Eiji down on their makeshift bed with the greatest care. Eiji covers his eyes, not wanting Ash to see him in a such a pitiful state. But Ash lays down with him, presses up against his side and holds his face, slipping his fingers beneath Eiji’s. “I love you, Eiji,” He whispers. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Aslan,” Eiji sniffles, rubbing his eyes and letting his wrists fall to the side. Ash hovers steadily above him, blonde hair falling from his ears and hanging past his face. He holds Eiji’s wrists down. His face is twisted in concern, looking just about ready to do anything for Eiji. It makes Eiji’s heart swell, in an incredible sort of way among all the sadness. 

“What do you want me to do, Eiji?” Comes Ash’s gentle voice. 

“Oh, Ash,” Eiji sighs, heaving as he recovers from his tears. He shakes his head, and smiles. “Will you make love to me?” 

 

He does. Ash squeezes his thighs, kisses him all over, pushes into him with such gentle, loving care. Eiji loves it, with every inch of his body, his heart, his mind and soul. He really does. But he doesn’t feel any better when it’s over. He loves that Ash could do something like that and make it one of the most affectionate things to ever happen to Eiji, but Eiji couldn’t bring himself to feel very much. Not now. Not now, of all times. He lays in there now messy makeshift bed, Eiji’s back pressed to Ash’s stomach. Ash’s arms are wrapped around Eiji’s torso, and Eiji puts his hand over Ash’s. 

He stares at the wall as Ash sleeps. He can’t quite feel anything at all. 

 

The next few days are spent with Ash holding Eiji’s hand, trying to get him to eat, or use the bathroom, or to talk, or at least move from the bed after returning from his work, but it was all in vain. Eiji would not. He lays in his bed, tired eyes boring holes into the wall. Ash sits beside him, “I miss your cooking, darling.”

Eiji reaches his hand out and takes Ash’s hand in his. But he doesn’t respond. His mind is blank and his tongue has no function as he gazes at the wall. 

“Will you cook for me today?”

“Why do you like my cooking, Aslan?” Eiji mutters, sounding distant. “I do not make good food.” 

“It’s good food to me!” Ash insists, squeezing Eiji’s hand. “I love your food, sweetheart. I missed your voice, too.”

Eiji falls silent. He has no responses. He just rubs his thumb absently over the bumps of Ash’s fists. 

“Will you talk to me, baby?” Ash asks, his voice soft. 

Eiji rubs circles into Ash’s skin. 

“Eiji? You there?” Ash calls, and Eiji doesn’t really hear what he says next. He starts to frown, his eyes furrowing as he begins to think. 

In Eiji’s mind, birds fly over walls and soar through the sky, catching the winds of life in the long feathers of their blonde wings. In Eiji’s mind, he can imagine Shorter, and Skip. He sees them watching the bird from the other side of the wall. They’re all watching the bird. 

“Eiji?”

Eiji turns his head to look at Ash. He smiles at him, “Are you hungry, darling? I make you food?”

Ash stares at him. Eiji isn’t quite sure why. He pats his face, “I make you food.” 

 

Eiji’s extremities of his depressive state have passed- onto other things. His exhaustion is still always apparent, sleeping through half the day and waking up in the middle of the night, and the way sadness overcame him was a sight to behold, but he starts to do some strange things to accompany it. 

He starts taking care of Ash. It’s not really odd. Eiji doesn’t think it is. He’s just taking care of Ash, because Ash needs to be taken care of. Because nobody’s ever taken care of him in his life, beside himself. So it was up to Eiji now. Almost robotically, Eiji would cook breakfast, lunch and dinner, kissing Ash on the cheek and letting Ash feed him as he pleased. He would run Ash a bath, and wander off to his bed, as though his tattered mind were empty. In between, he’d go to work, and come home, and go to bed. 

“Stop feeding me!” Ash cries one day, throwing his chopsticks aside. “Stop taking care of me like this, Eiji! Talk to me! I’m begging you, talk to me! I don’t know what to do anymore, Eiji!” 

Eiji watches him in silence. Ash stares at him with pleading eyes, but Eiji’s expression won’t change. His mind is blank. “Eiji!” Tears well in Ash’s eyes. He grits his teeth, as though something were hurting him. 

It makes Eiji feel something. He wipes Ash’s tears, “Do not cry, dear.” Eiji mutters. “I am here, right? I will not let anything hurt you.”

Ash cries, and Eiji holds his head close to his chest. “Don’t cry,” Eiji murmurs, closing his eyes and pressing his cheek against Ash’s head. 

In the early morning, Ash wakes Eiji up. Eiji blinks the sleep from his eyes, waking up with that familiar feeling of empty dread. He sighs, quietly, and looks up at Ash with drowsy eyes. “Ash?”

“Take this,” Ash whispers, a cup of water in his left hand and a pill in his right. “Swallow it with some water.”

Eiji obliges. He takes the cup and the pill from Ash’s hands, putting the pill on his tongue and washing it down with water. “Go to sleep, Ash.” He tells him, kissing his cheek before returning his head to the pillow. 

“Eiji, they were antidepressants.” Ash says, laying down beside him. He pulls the blankets over their shoulders, and Eiji feels his chest pressing against Eiji’s back. “Do you want to do any therapy? I can pick up a shit ton of jobs, like you do, darling. I don’t mind paying.”

“Ash?” Eiji calls, and Ash replies, “Yeah?”

“Ash, I miss you,” He sighs, turning his head to look up at Ash. His heart was suddenly pained, a terrible aching infecting it. An aching he thought might have been from Ash. He lifts a hand up to touch Ash’s stunned face, “I am so happy you did not die, Ash.”

Ash smiles. “I’m not dying anytime soon.” 

“Good,” Eiji breathes. Ash lays back down, and Eiji, still with a terrible pain in his heart, settles his head on his chest, and gathers Ash’s shirt in his hand. “Good.”

 

A week later, Eiji stands below a cliff. He stares up, at the very edge of the cliff, where the dying sun bleeds out, casting its final rays of color and comfort onto it. It seems the world is dark, all but the cliff, where golden light was visible. Eiji’s lips part, his heart beats, and his eyes widen. The sun was going to set in a couple of seconds. 

“Shorter, are you up there?” Eiji calls out. His voice echoes beneath the cliff, and it seems to fade into the horizon. When Eiji receives no response, he asks,

“Skip, are you up there?”

When he receives no response, he calls,

“Is anyone there?”

Nobody answers. All that Eiji hears is his voice. He blinks, and remembers that the sun was going to die out completely in a minute or two. He shakes his head, freeing himself somehow, and runs towards the cliff. He runs up a rocky, almost steep path, tripping constantly and often having to use his hands to climb up the cliff. With dirty hands, dirty shoes and a shortage of breath, Eiji stands on the outskirts of an enormous pasture of rye. 

Across from him, stands not Shorter, nor Skip, but Ash Lynx. 

There he stands, his hair blowing with the stalks of rye, his clothes pillowing in the wind, his flannel blowing gently behind him. Eiji smiles. “ _Ash!_ ” He calls, cupping his mouth as if to further the sound. 

And unlike Shorter, Ash hears him. He turns around, and Eiji can tell he’s smiling too. 

“ _Eiji!_ ” He shouts from across the field, cupping his mouth just the same way Eiji had done. Eiji laughs with the wind. 

He wakes up smiling. He rubs his eyes, and gets up, with no dragging feelings of dread, no awful, lingering emotions of complete loneliness. He really wants to get out of bed. 

“Ash,” Eiji calls, turning around to glare at his sleeping boyfriend. He smacks his shoulder, “Ash, get up! Why I smell so bad, Aslan?!”

Ash shoots up, his exhausted green eyes opening to slits. “Eiji? You’re up?” Is the first thing he asks, managing to power through the hoarse sleepiness of his voice. 

“Yes I am up!” Eiji snaps, “I cannot believe you did not give me a shower! After how hard I work for you to get help, you let me smell like garbage can?!”

“Baby, was it the antidepressants? Are they working good? I knew something was going on yesterday, when you woke up before me, but now you’re talking and everything and you’re-,” Ash cuts himself off, looking up at Eiji in pure glee. “Let’s shower together, Eiji!”

“If you want, you weirdo,” Eiji snorts, getting out of their mess of blankets and pillows. “But I swear on the gods, so much dirt will be coming off of me in the shower! Why do you let me get so dirty, Aslan?” 

Eiji walks over to Ash, who hauls himself to his feet. He takes Eiji’s hand in his, “Can we have shower sex, baby? No, let’s take a bath! Can I wash your hair, Eiji? Will ya let me?”

Eiji clicks his tongue, and kisses Ash’s cheek, “If you really want.”

They shower together, and afterwards, Ash lets Eiji make breakfast on his own. The food is served, but Eiji only manages to eat a little bit.

“I am not very hungry,” Eiji excuses himself, even though Ash was trying to feed him by chopsticks. Eiji cleans up, and Ash, who’s always clingy, has his arms wrapped around Eiji’s waist and his chin on Eiji’s shoulder as he washes dishes. 

“You can help me, you know,” Eiji points out. Ash kisses his neck, “Sure, darling, but doesn’t the wife always clean up?”

“You are the wife.” Eiji retorts. Though he complains, Eiji is well aware he’d be far more upset if Ash tried to intrude on his chores. Especially things like cooking and dishwashing.

Ash laughs, “Don’t be like that sweetheart! You’re always gonna be my beautiful housewife, who makes all my food and folds all my clothes and looks cute beneath me.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Eiji growls, “I never fold your clothing. I was everything, I cook everything because you are lazy asshole! Wife always need help!”

“Then let me wash some dishes a bit, baby,” Ash offers, about to let go of Eiji until Eiji steps on his foot. 

“Be quiet! You go fold your clothes!” Eiji yells, turning off the water and pulling off his cleaning gloves. 

“Baby, don’t be mad!” Ash says, shaking his foot. He squeezes Eiji’s waist, “C’mon! You’ve gotta be just a little bit of a housewife!”

“If I am housewife, why does my husband have such a little wiener?” Eiji asks, turning in Ash’s arms. “My wiener is huge,” Ash scoffs. He kisses the corner of Eiji’s mouth, “But my wife is very beautiful, very kind. All sorts of charming. He washes my clothes, washes the dishes, makes me food, sings and dances, has this mature Japanese type of body,” Eiji laughs, shaking his head. Ash continues, “He really hates me though, and I’ve got no idea why. But I don’t care too much. He’s still the love of my life, and he’s all fragile and dainty, so I have to protect him, keep him close at all times. So close that he can’t even escape me if he wanted to!” 

“Shut up, Ash!” Eiji laughs, pressing his forehead to Ash’s chest. Eiji looks up, and Ash is grinning widely. “What? Don’t like the wife jokes?”

“I don’t care about it,” Eiji admits. He kisses Ash’s bare pectoral, “You act very much like a husband too. You sit around and do nothing, and you are always horny. Then after you eat all my food I make for me, you get more horny and have sex with me, then you do nothing again.”

Ash laughs, pressing his nose into Eiji’s hair. “Gag me with a spoon, I don’t do anything like that! I protect you, don’t I?”

“Hm, I protect you too,” Eiji says, patting his chest. “You do nothing special!”

“You be quiet, Okumura. I know you love me,” Ash kisses his head, “Whaddaya wanna do today, Eiji? It’s whatever you want! Wanna eat? Or do you wanna take a walk or something?”

Eiji, with his head against Ash’s chest, frowns. He runs the decisions over in his mind, but the least thing that it looks to him is appealing. He doesn’t want to go out. He doesn’t want to go out at all, really. Getting up and showering had been hard enough, the exhaustion of it all coming back and biting Eiji in the ass while he was cooking, so why go out? He was going to work soon, anyway. 

“No, I have to work,” Eiji says. “And I am tired, Aslan. I’m going to sleep for a little, okay?”

“Tired? Are you sure?” Ash asks, his cheek on Eiji’s head. 

“Yes,” Eiji assures. “Just tired.”

Then, Ash takes his hand and kisses it. “I’ll wake you up when you have to go.”

“Thank you,” Eiji smiles at him, kissing him softly before drifting off to their room. He thinks about Ash as he wanders off, mind in the middle of a million stalks of rye. 

 

Later into the night, Ash and Eiji sit on the rooftop of the building, the night sky scattered with stars. Eiji stares up at them; in the dreams he shares with Shorter, there are never any stars. A soft, ghost of a smile forms on his lips, tilting the corners of his mouth. 

“What’re you smilin’ at, darling?” Ash’s voice is warm against Eiji’s ear as he arrives, putting his arms around Eiji’s waist. “Shorter’s watching us up there, I think,” Eiji says to Ash, leaning into his shoulders. 

“Is he, baby?” Ash murmurs, kissing the back of Eiji’s ear.

“I can see the stars,” Eiji begins, “There are very many of them. On the nights of many star, Shorter is with us.” 

“You think so?” Ash asks, pausing from his kisses. Eiji knows he’s moving his gaze up to the skies, with the way he’s tilting his head and relaxing into Eiji. Ash, bent over to hug Eiji, tilts his head down and buried his nose into Eiji’s neck. “You miss him a lot, don’t you?” 

“Very much, Ash,” Eiji tells him in a quiet, small voice. “I miss him very much. He make my heart ache, long for him.” 

“I miss him too,” Ash admits. He’s quiet. “But I think I’m starting to let go of him, Ei.”

“I hope to start to let go of him soon as well,” Eiji murmurs, reaching a hand up to press against the soft skin of Ash’s cheek. “But I will not forget him.”

“Don’t ever forget him, Eiji,” Ash says. “Don’t do that. Just…”

“Move on with him in my heart.” Eiji finishes firmly for him, his distant gaze cast on the stars becoming determined. Ash kisses Eiji’s palm, and squeezes his waist, “Exactly. Start moving on with everybody in our hearts.”

Eiji shakes his head. His energy, which had been at a low for three, long weeks, is suddenly restored. He turns in Ash’s arms, and throws his arms around his neck. “Will Shorter mind if we dance a little bit?”

“I’m sure he won’t be too pissed,” Ash grins, loosening his hold on Eiji. “I brought a radio and some blankets up. What are we listening to?”

Eiji takes his hand as he walks to the radio, nestled on the plain blanket, with a mixtape or two surrounding it. He tugs on Ash’s hand, making him perk his head up and look at Eiji. Eiji’s smile was big, almost up to his twinkling eyes. He’s beaming as he says, “How about you play Queen?”

“I’m loving your style,” Ash chuckles. He bends over, puts in a rock (n’ roll) mixtape and skips a hundred songs, all the way to Somebody to Love. He stands back up, and looks at the bright eyed Eiji in amusement. 

“You’re so pretty like that,” Ash mentions, taking Eiji’s hands in his. 

Eiji laughs, “Like what?” 

“Like that, baby. When you laugh and everything. When you look at me like that,” The way Ash is speaking, the gentle drips of his voice is enough to mend every single little crack in Eiji’s tattered heart. Whatever Eiji’s doing, its making Ash talk to him like that, making his eyes hurt with affection, and Eiji’s so damn glad that he’s doing it. In the background, Freddie Mercury and his chorus sing. 

_Can anybody,_

“When I look at you like that?” Eiji asks, stepping closer to Ash. “Aslan Jade, you are very too much of a romantic.”

_Find me,_

Ash shrugs, “Maybe it’s Freddie’s voice makin’ me sound all sappy. Do you like my sappy shit, baby?”

_Somebody to,_

“I love your sappy shit, Aslan.” Eiji assures, kissing the corner of his mouth. Ash chuckles, his eyebrows furrowed in a sort of affectionate, studying manner. “You really are something, Okumura.”

 _Love?_

Just as the love sounds off, Ash takes Eiji in his arms and starts to dance with him. At first, it’s slow, with the couple staring into each other’s eyes with deep, unrelenting measures of emotions even fiercer, even stronger than love, with their hands clasped and on each other’s waists and shoulders. Then, Ash starts to spin Eiji, and dips him at the “Lord”, right after Freddie tells about his prayers and tears running down from his eyes. Their slow dance picks up, moving with the beat of the song. 

“Isn’t it funny, Eiji?” Ash asks as he twirls him. 

Eiji, breathless and pressed against Ash’s body, replies, “What is?”

“That none of these dopey love songs apply to us anymore,” Ash smiles. “We already found our soulmates. The loves of our lives and everything like that. I used to hate shit like love, Eiji, but now that I’m with you, I’m really starting to feel bad for everybody else in this damned world. Nobody else has what we has.” 

Ash pauses, “Do you get what I’m saying?” 

“I always get what you say,” Eiji reminds him as they waltz along the rooftop. Ash laughs, and kisses his head. “Of course you do, baby. And that’s why I feel so bad for everybody else! They’ve got nothing compared to what I have, Eiji! Nobody has their soulmate, nobody really has the love of their life, nobody’s really fell in love with somebody like I did with you. Everybody else’s got it worse than I do, is what I’m thinking. Can you believe in that?”

Eiji snorts, “How do you know nobody’s found their soulmate before? And that no one have fallen in love like you and I?”

“Cos I _know_ ,” There’s a twinkle in Ash’s eyes as he breathes out the promise, and no matter how skeptical it was, it automatically makes Eiji believe in everything he’s said. “Every book I’ve ever read, every piece of romantic literature- Romeo and Juliet are shit compared to our love story, Eiji. It’s all shit compared to you and I. That’s how I know.”

It wasn’t a very intelligent explanation, just knowing because you know, and especially from a person with a 200+ intelligence quota, but it makes Eiji’s heart flutter and his cheeks flush pink. “Do you really think we have better love story than Romeo and Juliet?”

“Oh, baby!” Ash almost yells, and suddenly, Eiji’s being dipped. He laughs and shrieks as he is, the move having been unexpected. He meets Ash’s shining eyes, their locked gazes glowing with happiness. “It’s a million times better! Better than any of Shakespeare’s bullshit!” 

Ash pulls Eiji back up, and Eiji stumbles to his feet, laughing happily. “You idiot! Just dance with me!”

And, maybe, that’s how this story should really end. With Eiji and Ash laughing, dancing together, having just overcome bouts of hardships but still come out just as strong and happy as before. It’s a good peek, a fine look into how the rest of their lives will be; filled with the hardships of overcoming their pasts, and dealing with their illnesses, and combating daily with this awful, awful necessity to live unhappily- but also, filled with love, healing, family, and god knows how much more. But, there is still much more to see, many more people yet to introduce themselves into the early lives of once star-crossed Ash and Eiji. So, take this as an ending, if you must. Consider it something of the sort. Perhaps some sort of a true ending, if you don’t really like the ending that’s going to be written in the last chapter (which is almost light years away from now). 

Take it as you must, but a day later, Eiji wakes up humming to Somebody to Love. In somewhat of a good mood, Eiji prepares breakfast, as he always does, and just as he’s waiting for his pie to bake, something catches his eye. 

A long, rectangular piece of white paper, a bit dirtied, laying lonesome on the ground right beside the door. It turns out to be an envelope, Eiji realizes when he squints. Puzzled, he makes his way over to it. He bends down, turns the envelope over in his hands, studies the crumpled corners and the stickers in the front. He turns it to the back, and the first thing he sees is _Sing Soo-Ling_ written in the left corner of the envelope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter,,,,, was a little sad to write B,) this chapter was looking into some of Eiji’s bouts of depression, which will reoccur in the story from time to time 
> 
> (also, some things to note: eiji starts taking medicine on a schedule after ash gives them to him, and doesn’t yet go to therapy lol) 
> 
> that’s all for today nerds 😳 see u next chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> heya and welcome to as I lay living! this fan fiction is just a big slice of life, with lots of family moments and (almost) all of our favorite characters together again! some important things to note:  
> -as I lay living will follow ash and eiji up to their fifties  
> -the story begins in 1987  
> -ash is currently 19, and eiji is currently 21   
> -shorter wong won’t be gone for long! 
> 
> thank you so much for reading the first chapter of as I lay living! i hope you enjoyed (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)


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